Gus Muldoon's Infamous Seldomly-Updated Blog

I don't know about you, but I'm getting pretty darn sick and tired of all of this breast cancer awareness bullcrap.  Is there anyone out there who's not aware of breast cancer?  I find it hard to believe that some schmuck in Ashtabula is being handed a pink ribbon at this very moment and exclaiming, "Why, I never knew that women could get cancer in their boobies!"  But what really flips my jib is all of these 5Ks and marathons and mini-marathons and half-marathons, all with tongue-in-cheek names like the Ta-Ta Trot or the Jog for Jugs.  What's next?  The Million Melon March? My friends, if you believe that power-walking around the track of a middle-school stadium in your yoga pants is going to save lives, then you're about as bright as a mineshaft at midnight.  Think about it.  In any given town in any given year, there are a few dozen of these feelgood fun runs designed to raise money in order to find a cure for breast cancer.  For $25 a pop,...

How I long for the good old days, when gas pumps were hand-cranked and the fueling process only took about an hour or two.  Granted, those days took place long before most of you were born, but believe me when I say that the process of getting gas took less time than it does today with these computerized high-tech pumps. Here's what I mean.  You pull up to the pump, slide your credit or debit card through, and you are instantly bombarded with questions asked by the pump.  Would you like a receipt?  Yes or No. "No" Do you have a rewards card?  Yes or No. "No", you mutter angrily. Do you want a rewards card?  Yes or no. "No." Would you like a car wash?  Yes or No. "A car wash?" you ask.  "It's pouring down rain, and all I want is five bucks worth of gas." Would you like to try one of our new six-inch subs?  Yes or No. "No!  For Pete's sake, I just want gas!" Please enter your zip code. "Zip code?  What does a...

Yesterday, journalist Anderson Cooper announced he was gay, much to the surprise of absolutely no one.  In typical Hollywood fashion, his revelation was touted as a tremendous act of bravery by the likes of Ellen Degenerate, Kathy Griffin, Kelly Ripa, and other folks whose idea of bravery is going into Starbucks and ordering their own lattes, instead of having an intern or personal assistant do it for them.  Thanks to Mr. Cooper, I too have decided to come out of the closet.  Therefore, I would like to take this opportunity to formally announce that I, Gus Muldoon, am completely heterosexual. Please, hold your applause to the end, ladies and gentlemen.  I'm aware that publicly proclaiming my sexual identity was a very brave and courageous thing to do, and I wholly expect the Twitterverse to explode as a result of my coming out.  And it should, because let's face it: This makes me the biggest American hero since that airline pilot who crash-landed a jumbo jet...