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Gus Muldoon Comes Out of the Closet



Yesterday, journalist Anderson Cooper announced he was gay, much to the surprise of absolutely no one.  In typical Hollywood fashion, his revelation was touted as a tremendous act of bravery by the likes of Ellen Degenerate, Kathy Griffin, Kelly Ripa, and other folks whose idea of bravery is going into Starbucks and ordering their own lattes, instead of having an intern or personal assistant do it for them. 

Thanks to Mr. Cooper, I too have decided to come out of the closet.  Therefore, I would like to take this opportunity to formally announce that I, Gus Muldoon, am completely heterosexual.

Please, hold your applause to the end, ladies and gentlemen.  I'm aware that publicly proclaiming my sexual identity was a very brave and courageous thing to do, and I wholly expect the Twitterverse to explode as a result of my coming out.  And it should, because let's face it: This makes me the biggest American hero since that airline pilot who crash-landed a jumbo jet into the Hudson River.  Why?  Because I am the first hetero to publicly come out of the closet.  That makes me something like a white Rosa Parks, but with male genitalia.

You see, gay folks have been coming out of the closet for years.  In fact, they come out of the closet so frequently that the hinges of the closet door are in danger of wearing out.  Heterosexuals, on the other hand, very rarely come out of the closet.  Therefore, it is is an act which requires much greater courage because there aren't many Hollywood D-Listers willing to pat us on the back or rub our bellies.  In fact, heterosexuals don't get much of anything for their bold and courageous actions.  Have you ever seen a Straight Pride parade?  Of course you haven't.

Since my coming out means that I am nothing short of a true pioneer, I understand that until more heteros follow my lead, the weight of the Heterosexual Agenda rests upon my shoulders.  It is up to me to be the face and voice of a group of people who have been denied the public spotlight (as well as leading roles in Broadway musicals).  My first mission will be to "take back" the word straight, just as homosexuals have attempted to take back the word gay.

Thanks to the homosexual agenda, we can no longer use the word "gay" in order to refer to something that is ridiculously lame:  "I went to see the new Adam Sandler movie and, sweet fancy Moses, that movie was totally gay."  Or "My computer keeps freezing because it's being gay".  Or "I don't play World of Warcraft because it's gay".  You get the idea.

From this day forward, non-heteros will no longer be permitted to use the word "straight".  Starting today, throwing around the word straight willy-nilly and with reckless abandon will not be tolerated by us heterosexuals.  Yes, I'm talking to you, Miss GPS Voice With the British Accent.  When you instruct me to "Go straight on Main Street", you are committing a hate crime.  When a non-hetero describes something as being "straight as an arrow", we find it highly offensive because it's the equivalent of saying that something is "more gay than a tap-dancing drag queen at a Judy Garland film festival".  And God help you if you describe yourself as being a "straight-shooter", since this implies that you advocate violence against heterosexuals.  Imagine what would happen if a straight person said that he was a "queer-shooter"!

I rest my case.
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