December 2012 in Review


"I want my guns!"


"And I want to live to see my seventh birthday, douchebag."


"We need our guns to defend our precious property! Sorry, kid."


"We wouldn't have this problem if we allowed Jesus in the classroom."

"We're on it!"


"Oy vey! Maybe I should just destroy the world and start over."

"Told you so!"

Comments

How to Deal With Having an Ugly Baby

If you're the parent of an ugly baby, you've probably been asking yourself lots of questions ever since your bouncing bundle of shame came into this world. Questions like, "Is this some sort of punishment from God?", "Should I leave him in a dumpster?" or "How much can an ugly baby fetch on the black market?" These types of questions are perfectly normal. The only thing that's abnormal is being the parent of an ugly baby and acting like you have the cutest, sweetest, or prettiest baby in the world. That, my friend, is mental sickness. When my oldest son was born, I was asking the same questions myself. I fell to my knees and raised my arms to the heavens, asking, "What have I done to deserve this?" In the delivery room, I pleaded with the doctor to put him back in because he didn't look quite done yet. When that didn't work, I waited until no one was looking and tried to swap him with a better-looking baby from the hos...

Mr. Peanut's Evil Plan to Kill Off Humankind

He secretly wants to kill you! They just don't make them like they used to. No, I'm not talking about automobiles or household appliances, I'm talking about human beings. Unless you're one of those extreme fundamentalist whack-jobs, most of us believe that the human species has evolved over tens of thousands of years, successfully fending off lions and tigers and bears (oh my) in order to secure our coveted spot at the top of the food chain. And now it appears that Mr. Peanut, dairy cows, and Wonder Bread are about to knock us off of our perch. I'm talking about food allergies, or more specifically, the sad-sack evolutionary weaklings who suffer from them. Back in my day, food allergies were virtually non-existent, but here in 2012 it would seem that we have devolved into a pathetically brittle species incapable of ingesting something as simple as a peanut. There can only be two explanations for this phenomenon- either pea...

Is Mentally Retarded an Offensive Term?

If you've tuned into the news recently, you may have heard about the Texas high school that's now in hot water for referring to special needs students as "mentally retarded" in its 2012 yearbook. After a bunch of limp-wristed lily-livered parents got their panties in a bunch, school officials were forced to recall the yearbooks. This is just one more situation which proves what I have long believed to be true: America has turned into a nation of sad-sack pansies and wimps. The problem here is that there isn't a darn thing wrong about the term mentally retarded. It is a medically-approved term for a person with an IQ below 70 (in other words, about ten IQ points higher than the average American Idol viewer). Retarded is derived from the Latin word retardare , which means "to make slow, delay, keep back, or hinder," so mental retardation means the same as mentally delayed, and people who are "special" are, in fact, mentally hindered. An...

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