Mankind has produced some marvelous inventions over the years: the telephone, the automobile, and the wall-mounted talking bass. Many of these great inventions are uni-sex, mutually benefitting men and women everywhere. But in my opinion, the urinal deserves special consideration because it was specifically invented for men. How motivated and inspired the inventor of the urinal must have been, when in his inventor's workshop he proclaimed, "Toilet, shmoilet! It's high time that men had their own special bathroom apparatus!" Not since the codpiece has there ever been such a breakthrough in male innovation, or "man-o-vation" as us men like to call it.
The urinal is unique in the sense that it is made to perform only one function, unlike the lowly and common toilet, which will gladly welcome any type of refuse. Urinals know that they are classy; they are above such things as being receptacles for vomit and dead pets. You simply cannot flush little Johnny's deceased gerbil down a urinal. Urinals are selective, and if they could talk, they would proudly proclaim, "You cannot poop in me, for I only accept urine...and not just any urine, but man's urine."
A urinal's role in the restroom cannot be understated. Urinals are like an express checkout lane in a grocery store. A man saunters up to the porcelain urinal with only one thing in mind: get in, and get out. They are the epitome of efficiency; for no one ever sits atop a urinal with a newspaper or a magazine killing time. No, urinals are all business. If you want to dilly-dally, use the toilet.
Because the urinal has such high standards, unlike toilets, there is a certain etiquette that goes along with its use. This protocol needs not be taught to males; for urinals are so revered and respected that all men are born with proper urinal etiquette. The first rule of using a urinal is to keep your eyes glued to the wall straight ahead. In many cultures, making direct eye contact with the esteemed urinal is considered an insult. Just as Moses was not permitted to gaze upon the face of God, so must we avoid looking upon the urinal. The second commandment is to never, ever, cast a downward glance to the fellow using the urinal next to you. There are times and places where it's perfectly alright to size a man up, like a gymnasium locker room or shower; however, the urinal is not such a place. This no-peeking rule is easy to follow as long as a man adheres to the third commandment: "Thou shall not use the urinal immediately next to another occupied urinal". This means that there must be an unused urinal between two men who are urinating. This is called the "buffer urinal". Finally, the last rule is to never use your hand to flush. Always use an elbow or your foot instead. However, thanks to modern urinal technology, most urinals have a sensor which allows them to flush automatically after use.
As you can see, urinals deserve nothing short of our utmost respect. Although the inventor of the urinal will never earn the fame of Thomas Edison or Alexander Graham Bell he will undoubtedly be remembered, at least by Gus Muldoon, as a genius.
Comments
Post a Comment