How to Deal With Having an Ugly Baby

If you're the parent of an ugly baby, you've probably been asking yourself lots of questions ever since your bouncing bundle of shame came into this world. Questions like, "Is this some sort of punishment from God?", "Should I leave him in a dumpster?" or "How much can an ugly baby fetch on the black market?" These types of questions are perfectly normal. The only thing that's abnormal is being the parent of an ugly baby and acting like you have the cutest, sweetest, or prettiest baby in the world. That, my friend, is mental sickness. 

When my oldest son was born, I was asking the same questions myself. I fell to my knees and raised my arms to the heavens, asking, "What have I done to deserve this?" In the delivery room, I pleaded with the doctor to put him back in because he didn't look quite done yet. When that didn't work, I waited until no one was looking and tried to swap him with a better-looking baby from the hospital's nursery. Unfortunately, in my haste, I had grabbed an Asian baby, but returned him when I realized that the only way I could get away with the baby-swap was if I spent the rest of my life squinting my eyes in order to fool people into thinking I was the father.

Now, I'm sure there are some of you out there who claim to love their children unconditionally. This simply means that you have extremely low standards in life, and you're probably the mother or father of an ugly baby yourself (or a whole litter of them). Hell, if you had higher standards, you probably wouldn't have gotten stuck with an ugly baby in the first place- you would've gotten yourself knocked-up by a better-looking partner. And that's how I learned to take responsibility for my ugly baby. I had simply made the mistake of marrying a woman who looked like a Saint Bernard.

Looking at the above baby, you can see what I mean. Note the sloped head and the camouflage outfit. Obviously, this child wasn't planned. This is what happens if you are a woman whose standards are so low that you're willing to spread your stretch-marked thighs for the first hillbilly at a Toby Keith concert who promises to buy you a Pabst Blue Ribbon.   

Even scientists have concluded that most parents find it very difficult to love a baby who's about as precious as a wad of aluminum foil. In June of 2009, TIME Magazine ran a story entitled "Is an Ugly Baby Harder to Love?" which discussed a study by the Harvard-affiliated McLean Hospital. In the study, 27 volunteers were forced to sit in front of a computer screen and look at babies. By clicking a key, volunteers could either shorten or protract the amount of time which the baby's picture remained on the screen. Surprisingly, the researchers concluded that women were 2.5 times as likely to press the button in order to get rid of the pictures of ugly babies.

What does this suggest? Well, for starters, it proves that women are evil superficial creatures, but that's not the point of my blog post. The point is that even women, despite their "maternal instincts", are biologically programmed to dislike ugly babies. And why not? Let's face it; attractive people get all of the breaks in life.  You never see sexy homeless people, and you'll never find a person standing in line at the welfare office with movie-star looks and a million-dollar smile. But you will find lots of unwashed trailer trash without teeth.  Chances are, an ugly baby will grow up to become an ugly adult, and the only thing an ugly adult is good for is standing next to average-looking people in order to make them appear somewhat attractive.

If you are the parent of an ugly baby, the worst thing you can do is lie to your child. Ugly children deserve to know that they are ugly, because if they know the score from the get-go they won't end up having their confidence shattered later in life, which can turn them into an emotional cripple (and if you think it's alright to cripple someone, then you belong behind bars, you wackjob). Spare them the psychological trauma that comes with the realization of ugliness. Otherwise, your ugly child may grow up to hate you because he or she will feel betrayed and lied to. You wouldn't try to convince your kid that he could fly, would you? Of course not, because the dummy is liable to tie a Batman cape around his scrawny neck and jump off the garage roof. So then why try to convince your kid that he or she is handsome or pretty?

Unfortunately, many parents of ugly children are reluctant to tell their children the truth. This is why you should let all ugly children know that they are ugly-- even if you're not the parent. Trust me, you'll be doing that child a favor!