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Honor Your Dead Aunt With A Butterfly On Your Butt Crack

Dear Gus,

Last year my favorite aunt died after a long battle with breast cancer.  She was like a mother to me, and I miss her very much.  I am considering getting a tattoo as a tribute.  Since dolphins were her favorite animals I'm considering maybe a dolphin on my ankle.  What do you think?


If I was your aunt I'd be rolling over in my grave. There are many ways you can make your aunt proud, like becoming successful in your career or devoting your time to helping others (just like what I do). Permanently disfiguring your body with a tacky drawing of a fish on your stinky foot ain't going to make her proud. If anything, it will probably piss her off from beyond the grave. 

I'll never understand why so many young people think that tattoos are so great. Back in the late 90s my nineteen year-old son come home with a tattoo, some God-awful tribal design on his arm. I told him that if he wanted to pretend he was a jungle-bunny from New Guinea then I was going to treat him like one. I forced him to wear a grass skirt, took away his fancy Nike sneakers and made him to walk barefoot across a bed of hot coals on the front lawn. For the next week my wife and I only gave him coconuts to eat. "How's that tribal thing working out for you?" I would laugh, as he watched me bite into a thick, juicy steak. Eventually he got the point.

And don't try convincing me that tattoos are "art". A Playboy bunny tattooed above your cooter is "art" the same way a dirty limerick written on a bar room bathroom stall is "poetry". If that chintzy tattoo of a marijuana leaf above your butt crack is a work of art, then I guess the liver spot shaped like the state of Oklahoma on my man-sack belongs in the goddamn Louvre.

Do yourself a favor, Missy, and save your money for something more important than a fish tattoo. If you really want to pay tribute to your aunt, don't go wasting your hard-earned cash like a moron. Besides, for all we know there may not even be an afterlife, so there's a good chance your dead aunt probably won't even care.
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