This Is Why Women Get Paid Less Than Men

I don't know about you, but I'm getting pretty sick and tired of hearing about this alleged "wage gap" between genders.  Now, I'm not arguing the fact that women get paid less than men.  This has been proven to be true in survey after survey.  No, what really burns my britches is the incessant whining by women about how they deserve to be paid the same as men. 

I hate to burst your bubbles, ladies, but here's what it all boils down to- don't expect to get paid the same as a man until you get off your lazy behinds and start working like a man. 

Feminists like to point to Bureau of Labor Statistics, which state that full-time working women earn, on average, about 19% less than their male counterparts.  Yet these same women fail to mention the Department of Labor's Time Use Survey, which compares two similar employees of different genders, working in the same field, and performing the same work for the same number of hours.  According to this survey (which is the only one that really matters), the average full-time working man spends 8.14 hours a day on the job, compared to a paltry 7.75 hours for the full-time working woman (which is an oxymoron if ever I heard one).

And if you ask me, this survey is being quite generous.  As a service to you, dear reader, I shall break down the typical workday of a typical American woman in 2012, and you can see for yourself just why the "wage gap" exists:

9:06am: Woman enters workplace, explains to boss that she was late because her 5 year-old boy decided to put the family cat in the washing machine in order to give him a bath.

9:07- 9:10am: One her way to her desk, woman stops co-worker to ask where she had purchased those adorable Anne Klein slingback wedges with the 2-inch patent leather heel.

9:12- 9:15am: First pee break of the day.

9:20- 9:30am: Woman causes paper jam at the copy machine, has to wait for a man to show up and fix the problem.

9:31am: Woman uses company computer for Facebook update, which reads "OMG why are men so dumb? It just took Greg ten minutes to fix the copy machine!"

9:32- 9:34am: Since she was already on Facebook, woman decides to investigate the three new additions to her husband's friend list.  One of them is female!

9:35am: Disgruntled woman fires off an angry text to husband, reading "Who is this Heather skank, and what is she doing on your Facebook friend list?"

9:36- 9:40am: Woman is consoled by two co-workers who desperately try to boost her confidence by telling the woman that her husband isn't good enough for her.  She can do better!  And no, that Heather girl is not prettier than she is.

9:41am: Woman feels empowered by above-mentioned conversation, posts the following motivational picture on Facebook:

9:45- 9:50am: Second pee break of the day.

10:15- 10:30am: Coffee break!

10:33- 10:35am: Wow, that coffee goes straight through you.  Time to pee again.

10:36- noon: Angry Birds time, followed by 45 minutes of looking at pictures of cupcakes on Pinterest.

12:00- 1:00pm: Lunch

1:07pm: Time for the first of woman's 35 daily Facebook updates featuring a cute picture of a kitten.

1:10- 1:30pm: Woman freezes computer, work grinds to a halt.  Jerry from the IT department informs woman that the company's outdated computer cannot simultaneously handle YouTube, Zappos.com, and Macys.com in the same browser window.  He spends five minutes explaining CPU usage, but woman is too busy texting to pay attention.

1:30- 1:33pm: Fourth pee break of the day.

1:35- 2:00pm: Woman notices that her boss has left for an important business meeting across town, perfect chance to read the next chapter of 50 Shades of Grey.

2:10pm: Time for another feline-centric Facebook post!

2:10- 3:00: Woman remembers that Nine West is having a one-day-only online handbag sale.  Online shopping time!

3:00-3:15pm: Coffee break

3:15- 3:18pm: One her way back to her desk, woman strikes up conversation with another co-worker, spends three minutes showing her co-worker cellphone pictures of her dachshund.

3:20-3:30pm: More Angry Birds.

3:45-3:47pm: Fifth pee break of the day.

3:47- 3:55pm: Woman stops at water cooler, realizes the jug is empty.  Eight minutes is spent finding a man who can replace the water jug because it is too heavy for her to lift.

"It's cute how you think you play an important role in this company!"

3:55- 4:00pm: Woman calls home to make sure that her kids got home from school without incident.

4:01pm: Woman attempts to call husband to inform him that the kids made it home safely.  Husband doesn't answer because he is a man and, therefore, he is actually working.

4:01-4:15pm: Woman freaks out because husband didn't answer phone.  Surely he must be up to no good.  She bets it's that Heather skank from Facebook.  Woman combs her husband's Facebook wall for possible clues.

4:15pm: Woman is heartbroken to discover that Heather has "liked" one of her husband's posts.  Woman begins to feel faint.  Explains to boss that she is feeling ill and must go home for the day.

As you can see, the typical woman spends roughly 48 minutes of each workday engaged in actual work, thus explaining the wage gap between men and women.  Seems to me that women ought to shut their crap-spewing yap-holes before employers wake up and realize that they have been over-paying them all along.