It's late October and by now we're all sick and tired of the color pink. I'm sure there are even breast cancer patients out there who are probably screaming, "Enough already with breast cancer awareness! Of course I'm aware of breast cancer. I have it, you moron!" If these folks had any hair, they'd probably be pulling it out. All month long we are ambushed with ads from companies hellbent on exploiting our inner do-gooder, promising to donate a portion of their profits to breast cancer research every time some mindless schmuck with a heart of gold purchases an everyday product which has been packaged in a special pink wrapper.
Sadly, all the hoopla that goes along with saving the ta-tas steals much-needed attention away from other worthy causes. For instance, October is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month, as well as National Down Syndrome Awareness Month. October 29 is also World Psoriasis Day. While you may feel like giving yourself a pat on the back after purchasing a pink-colored Five Hour Energy drink, imagine how it must feel to be a flaky-skinned woman with Down's Syndrome who gets smacked around by her husband. Very few companies seem interested in sharing a portion of their profits fighting for that cause.
As a man who aims to make the world a better place, I'd like to offer some suggestions for awareness months which will help bring much-needed attention to some unfortunate folks who need all the help they can get.
Fat Guy in a Small Shower Awareness Month
Each and every day, millions of husky men are subjected to the humiliation of having to take a shower in a grossly under-sized stall. Imagine the frustration these folks have to deal with- turning around to rinse off their backs and knocking dozens of bottles of their wife's shampoo and conditioner and hair removal cream into the tub in the process. Or having the plastic shower curtain cling to their bulging bellies, making them feel like a vacuum-sealed ham. These poor souls want only to be clean, but in the process they have to deal with all kinds of challenges that skinny minnies don't have to deal with.
Not Everyone Has Unlimited Texting Awareness Month
Although America may be the most prosperous nation on Earth, it's sometimes easy to forget that not all of us are privileged enough to have a cellphone plan with unlimited texting. Those who are forced to go through life with cheap pre-paid phones have to purchase minutes, and every time these poor souls read a text message, it deprives them of precious airtime. Worst of all, these folks lose the same amount of airtime whether they read a 150-character message or a 3 character message. As a result, these unfortunate people feel a particular pang of aggravation every time they receive a lame and pointless text message, such as one that reads "lol" or ":)"
If you listen hard enough, you can hear their frustrating cries on the breath of the wind: "Sonuvabitch! I only have 2 minutes of airtime left and a you send me a text message reading sup?" Or, "I just sent you a 150-character-long text and you have the nerve to reply LOL? What the hell is wrong with you? Don't you realize that I just wasted 0.3 minutes or airtime by reading your lame text?"
Facebook Cat Addiction Awareness Month
Everyone has a friend (or several) on Facebook who clogs up and clutters our timelines with funny pictures of cats and kittens. I'm not sure if these people are suffering from some kind of illness, but they sure as heck can use an intervention. Facebook Cat Addiction Awareness Month is our chance to sit these folks down and say, "Enough with the kitty memes already! Nobody gives a crap. We have more important things to do than scroll past dozens of pictures of cats wearing funny costumes. Don't you read other people's Facebook posts? There's a zombie apocalypse we must be preparing for!"
Awareness Month Awareness Month
Are you aware that some people may be completely unaware that every month is some kind of awareness month? Awareness Month Awareness Month is intended to make folks aware of awareness. Much like a non-denominational church, there will be no pandering to any specific group. Awareness Month Awareness Month doesn't brainwash you into supporting any specific cause; rather, the goal is to make everyone aware that they may be unaware of things they ought to be aware about.
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