In defense of high school football

Once again, high school football is under attack by lame-brained, limp-wristed, lily-livered pantywaists who believe that anyone who straps on a jock is taking the first irrevocable step toward an inevitable, premature departure from this mudball called Earth.

The latest anti-jock rhetoric comes in the wake of the death of New Jersey high school senior quarterback Evan Murray, a tragedy that followed the deaths of two other high school athletes in recent weeks, Ben Hamm from Oklahoma, and Tyrell Cameron from Louisiana. With three kids gone to meet their maker in as many weeks, it's only natural that over-protective parents throw a hissy hit over the glorious American institution that is high school football.

However, this anti-jock fervor is nothing more than contemporary culture's latest attempt to neuter the American male-- a project that has been going on for decades, as part of the left-wing agenda to transform red-blooded American boys into sniveling wimps who would rather talk about their feelings than to bowl over a defensive back en route to the end zone.

The anti-football crusaders would have you believe that they are merely concerned about the health and safety of children. Yet, by coddling their kiddies, bundling them up in 20 pounds of protective equipment for a simple bike ride and treating them like delicate Faberge eggs, they are turning their children into spineless marshmallows who are more likely to experience a devastating injury whenever they get off their butts and attempt to do something manly, like change a tire, install a toilet (and not one of those pansy-assed, super-efficient toilets designed to save the environment. I mean a real toilet. A man's toilet.), or play football.

They're more likely to get injured because they never grew up learning how to protect themselves. Or how to do manly things, like setting things on fire, making things explode, wrestling polar bears, clubbing baby seals over the head with baseball bats and how to kill other small furry animals with their bare hands.

Instead, we teach our American boys that it's wrong to lust after girls in short skirts, it's sinful to beat up a nerd for his lunch money, and that it's better to have a cup of Greek yogurt than a bloody porterhouse steak. For years, we have taught boys that it's okay to play with Barbie dolls, that it's okay to use the ladies room if you have doubts about your gender, and that they should all wear pink each fall in order to save the titties of America (because titties are not something to play with; they are life-giving vessels of nourishment that must be respected and protected like the endangered Alaskan red-beaked salamander or the Eastern camel-toed tree sloth). And now, after years of sissification, we are finally beginning to see the fruit of the left-wing's labors: Boys who drop like flies whenever they step onto the playing field.

No, folks, it's not about protecting America's youth. It's about destoying manhood in every possible way, through the systematic villification of everything males enjoy. Including football.

To prove this point, all you have to do is look at the statistics. The National Center for Catastrophic Sports Injury Research at the University of North Carolina reports that 65.2% of all catastrophic injuries in youth sports occur in cheerleading alone. Funny how no one is rushing to ban cheerleading. Why is that?

And yet, if Johnny came home from school one day and told his parents that he quit the football team in order to join the cheerleading squad, his parents would give him a hug, tell him that he's some sort of hero, and take him to Starbucks for a pumpkin spiced latte.