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Has the Religious Right Taken Over Breakfast?


After pouring myself a bowl of Lucky Charms the other day, I made a most disturbing discovery.  Staring into my bowl, I couldn't help but notice that the cereal bits are ambiguously shaped like Christian symbols.  If you don't believe me, pour a bowl for yourself.  Intermingled with the colorful marshmallow bits you'll find cereal pieces shaped like crosses, church bells, and... Jesus fish!

Yes, folks, it appears as though the Christians have devised a nefarious plot to spread their magically delicious message of love and forgiveness by way of sneaky subliminal advertising.  And what an ingenious plan it is!  You see, it would've been entirely too obvious to make Christian symbols out of the brightly-colored marshmallows, but no one ever pays attention to the pieces of cereal that look like dry cat food. And that's how subliminal messages work.  Without subliminal advertising, the religious right's marketing campaign targeting children may have looked like this:



The Vatican (I initially assumed they were the ones behind this scheme) has a long history of brainwashing children.  After all, that's why the Roman Catholic church prefers to baptize babies, because babies don't put up much of a fight (that's why it's so easy to steal candy from them).  And since babies soon grow up to become sugar-craving monsters, implanting Christian symbology into breakfast cereal is a stroke of pure sugary genius.

I attempted to speak with Vatican officials, but after explaining my theory that they were on a mission to brainwash children, they informed me that I was off my rocker and politely suggested that I have my head examined.  Gus Muldoon may be crazy, but apparently there's nothing crazy about believing that you'll burn in hell if you eat a Big Mac on a Friday during Lent.  Wacky catholics!

Maybe the Mormons are the ones behind this.  After all, Mitt Romney was former CEO of Bain Capital, the asset management company that seems to specialize in non-healthy investments like Burger King, Domino's Pizza, and Dunkin' Donuts.  In 2001, Bain Capital acquired a company owned by the father of another Mormon presidential candidate, Jon Huntsman.  In other words, Mormons seem to like donuts, pizza, and burgers. 

I place a phone call to Utah and asked if there was a Mormon I could talk to, and luckily there was.  After explaining my theory that the Church of Latter Day Saints is brainwashing children via breakfast cereal, she informed me that I was off my rocker and should have my head examined.  Ol' Gus is crazy, but there's nothing crazy about a religion founded by a wacko who believed an angel directed him to dig up golden plates inscribed with what came to be the Book of Mormon?  Right.  I'll tell you who's crazy- anyone who believes that Utah is the Promised Land.

Well, the truth of the matter is that Mormons ARE the ones responsible for sneaking Christian symbols into Lucky Charms!

Mormon businessman Mark H. Willes served as an executive with General Mills where he served as president, Chief Operating Officer and eventually vice chairman of the Board of Directors.  Now if that's not a strange coincidence, then I don't know what is!

Now, if you happen to be one of those left-wing godless liberal heathens who doesn't want your left-wing godless liberal heathen child to become brainwashed by Mormons, I suggest you steer clear of General Mills products and perhaps pour your kid a bowl of these:


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