Welcome to the Mid-20th Century, Canada!

                                                I can see my house from up here!  Oh, wait, it's just a moose.

As far as I know, Canada's greatest contribution to the world has been....well, I'm still trying to figure that one out.  They gave the world Mike Myers, the so-called comedic actor who's 2008 film Love Guru was about as watchable as an autopsy of a bloated corpse.  Come to think of it, other than maple syrup, I can't think of a blasted thing Canada has ever done for mankind.  But I guess you can't really expect much from a country where moose outnumber humans.  They have a leaf on their flag, for crying out loud.  And there's a picture of the Queen of England on their money.  What's that all about?

                                        This is their national hero, kinda like a Canadian George Washington or Abe Lincoln

Don't hold your breath if you're expecting any serious global contributions from those Molson-swilling syrup-sucking Canucks.  It's hard to contribute anything to the world when your primary concern is to keep yourself from freezing to death or getting eaten by a polar bear.  Look at their food, for instance.  Haven't you ever wondered why there are Mexican, French, Italian, and Asian restaurants, but there aren't any Canadian restaurants?  That's because nobody in their right mind wants to make reservations for a plate of flapjacks covered in maple syrup, served with a bottle of mediocre beer.  Do you know what their national dish is up there in that God-forsaken frozen wasteland?  It's called poutine- a plate of french fries covered in gravy and cheese curds.  I'm not joking, either, you can look it up for yourself.  Sweet sassy molassey, when your source of national pride is a plate of food which looks like something I crapped out of my ass, you need to re-examine the purpose of your existence.

                          No, this isn't what comes out of your pooper after swallowing a handful of Colon Cleanse tablets...it's the national dish of Canada!

But, lo and behold, Canada made it into the news last week when they finally sent a man into space (something the rest of the civilized world accomplished half a century ago).  Actually, it wasn't even a real human being, it was a Lego man.  Mathew Ho and Asad Muhammad, high school students, used a weather balloon and a homemade Styrofoam spacecraft to send the Lego-naut 15 miles into the stratosphere.  The YouTube video of the Lego man's voyage has become an Internet smash hit, not so much because of the feat, but because millions of Americans were surprised that a couple of puckheaded poutine-munchers were able to thaw out their frost-bitten extremities long enough to push the launch button. 

In light of this accomplishment, I'd like to congratulate the Canadian space program for forging their way headfirst into the middle of the 20th century.  Hey, at this rate, you guys might be able to send a G.I. Joe to the moon by 2050!