Gus Muldoon's Infamous Seldomly-Updated Blog

He secretly wants to kill you!       They just don't make them like they used to.  No, I'm not talking about automobiles or household appliances, I'm talking about human beings.  Unless you're one of those extreme fundamentalist whack-jobs, most of us believe that the human species has evolved over tens of thousands of years, successfully fending off lions and tigers and bears (oh my) in order to secure our coveted spot at the top of the food chain.  And now it appears that Mr. Peanut, dairy cows, and Wonder Bread are about to knock us off of our perch. I'm talking about food allergies, or more specifically, the sad-sack evolutionary weaklings who suffer from them.  Back in my day, food allergies were virtually non-existent, but here in 2012 it would seem that we have devolved into a pathetically brittle species incapable of ingesting something as simple as a peanut.  There can only be two explanations for this phenomenon- either pea...

Maybe I'm just getting old, but it seems to me that television is beginning to look more and more like a giant landfill overflowing with trash...and I'm not even talking about the Kardashians or the guys from Jersey Shore.  I'm talking about shows like Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant - shows which somehow manage to glamorize the world of welfare-dependent white trash trollops and the underemployed hillbilly douchebags who love them. If you don't believe me that these shows influence everyday life, consider that in 2011 the Social Security Administration reported that two of the names which have seen the greatest rise in popularity among newborns are Maci and Bentley, the names of one of the featured mothers of 16 and Pregnant and her son.  The show, now in its fourth season, has produced quite an assortment of trash, turning idiots who deserve to be labeled as the bottom-feeders of society into overnight celebrities. Here are just a few examples of the classy folks ...

"I always ask my stylist for face-framing bangs" Going bald is bad enough, but even worse are those pitiable gentlemen among us who are going bald but like to pretend that they are not.  These are the fellows with the comb-over hairstyle; a monstrosity of grooming where hair from one side of the head is dragged across the skull, in a pathetic attempt to camouflage an ever-growing expanse of scalp.  These poor men live every day of their lives in a state of denial, earning the jeers and laughter that comes their way.  In order to prevent one's self from becoming a laughingstock, a man must learn to identify the early warning signs of impending baldness.  Here is how to tell if you are going bald. 1. When you walk outside on a sunny day, you find that people have to shield their eyes around you in order to avoid the glare from your scalp. 2. You suddenly realize that a bottle of shampoo lasts much, much longer than it used to. 3. Your favorit...

For a state shaped like a flaccid schlong, Florida sure likes to be the center of attention.  First, there was the whole Bush v Gore fiasco, thanks to a bunch of cretins who lacked the ability to operate a voting machine.  Then there was Casey Anthony, the woman who got bored with motherhood and decided to rid herself of her daughter, and now there's the Trayvon Martin situation, a situation in which Florida's idiocy is displayed like a two-headed chicken in a traveling freakshow. Now, I'm not saying George Zimmerman is innocent or guilty of murder.  For all we know, he could have the bodies of a dozen Chinese food delivery boys stowed away in the trunk of his car.  For all we know, Trayvon Martin may have gotten what was coming to him.  That's not for any of us to decide, that's the job of the police and the judicial system (and Nancy Grace).  The problem is the way in which the great state of Florida handles these situations- with the grace of a roll...

An opinion is like a bank account- the only one that matters is my own.  Keeping this mind, let's see what expert advice I have for my readers (all five of them) this month. Dear Gus, My daughter is getting married this summer and at her reception she is planning to have BBQ ribs.  I've tried convincing her that this is a bad idea.  What do you think? (Debbie Jo, Athens, Georgia) I haven't met your daughter, but something tells me that this wedding is also going to feature a John Deere tractor and a wall-mounted singing largemouth bass.  Since you're from Georgia, this presumption probably isn't much of a stretch.  I'm not a gourmet or a slap-happy fancypants who gives a hoot about social situations, but what I lack in refinement I make up for in good ol' common sense... and common sense tells me that BBQ sauce + formalwear = accident waiting to happen (much like the birth of your daughter, I'm guessing). The bottom line is this- Wetnaps are...

Turn on the television or the radio these days, and all you're likely to hear about is "pink slime", the media's scary buzzword for a perfectly harmless (and tasty) thing the meat industry refers to as "lean finely textured beef".  This stuff has come under fire recently, even though it's been in ground beef for years.   If you ask me, "lean finely textured beef" sounds pretty darn prestigious (and tasty), like the description of a burger found in one of those fancy restaurants where the waiters speak in fake European accents, peddling glasses of French spring water for twenty bucks a pop.  However, the dodo-brained dimwits of the world have undertaken a crusade to remove "pink slime" from America's beef supply.  Pink slime is used as a filler, which is what makes beef affordable (and tasty).  By removing this harmless (and tasty) substance from ground beef, food costs are going to soar.... all because of the negative press gen...