Mr. Peanut's Evil Plan to Kill Off Humankind

He secretly wants to kill you!

     
They just don't make them like they used to.  No, I'm not talking about automobiles or household appliances, I'm talking about human beings.  Unless you're one of those extreme fundamentalist whack-jobs, most of us believe that the human species has evolved over tens of thousands of years, successfully fending off lions and tigers and bears (oh my) in order to secure our coveted spot at the top of the food chain.  And now it appears that Mr. Peanut, dairy cows, and Wonder Bread are about to knock us off of our perch.

I'm talking about food allergies, or more specifically, the sad-sack evolutionary weaklings who suffer from them.  Back in my day, food allergies were virtually non-existent, but here in 2012 it would seem that we have devolved into a pathetically brittle species incapable of ingesting something as simple as a peanut.  There can only be two explanations for this phenomenon- either peanuts have turned evil, or mankind has become a bunch of sissies.  Old Gus is leaning toward the latter.

Just the other day I decided to play the role of lovable grandpa, taking my 7 year-old granddaughter Alexis (which sounds like a whore name, if you ask me.  What the hell is wrong with good old-fashioned names like Mary and Agnes?) to the city park.  "Look, grandpa!" she exclaimed, pointing to some schmuck wheeling an ice cream cart.  "Would you like some ice cream, kid?" I asked, and Alexis squealed with glee, nodding her head.  "But mommy says I'm lactose intolerant, so it has to be dairy-free."  I sauntered up to the ice cream vendor and began to ask if he happened to sell ice cream-free ice cream, but Alexis tugged on my sleeve.  "What is it now, pipsqueak?" I asked.

"Make sure it doesn't have any nuts.  I'm allergic to peanuts."

"Alright, you heard the young lady," I said to the vendor.  "One fake ice cream, no nuts."

Alexis tugged on my sleeve once again and whispered something into my ear.  "She wants me to ask you if the lactose-free ice cream is manufactured in a facility which processes seeds and nuts," I said to the vendor.  "Apparently, Little Miss Fussy Britches can't tolerate a little peanut residue.  Kids these days!"  The vendor assured me that he did indeed offer lactose-free fake ice cream specially manufactured in a facility which does not process seeds, peanuts, almonds, cashews, pecans, walnuts, hazelnuts, coconuts, and other such "evil" ingredients.  As I handed my money to the vendor, Alexis once again tugged on my sleeve.  "Pappy Gus, could you ask the ice cream man if his chocolate ice cream is manufactured using organic ethically-sourced cocoa?"

"Why?  Are you also allergic to inorganic unethically-sourced cocoa?"

"No, but mommy says...."

"Your mommy is an idiot, Alexis," I said.  "I have no idea why my son married her.  If stupid could fly, your mommy would be a jumbo jet."  No wonder kids are so delicate these days....with idiot mothers like that.  "Now, do you want some dadgum ice cream or don't you?  I haven't got all damn day."

So I finally get an ice cream cone, filled with lactose-free frozen soymilk made with organic ethically-harvested cocoa manufactured in a state-of-the-art facility which does not process nuts or seeds, and handed it to my granddaughter.  She looked at me with disappointment in her eyes and said, "I can't eat this, Pappy Gus!"

"Why the hell not?" I asked.  "Listen, you little rugrat, I just spent nine dollars on this lactose-free frozen soymilk made with organic ethically-harvested cocoa manufactured in a state-of-the-art facility which does not process nuts or seeds.  You better eat it, Missy!"

"But it's in a cone," she whined.

"So?"

"I'm allergic to gluten."

"Oh, for Christ's sake!" I exclaimed, and thus ended my day in the park with my precious (but delicate) granddaughter.  No peanuts, no lactose, no gluten....good thing I didn't force her to eat a Nutty Buddy- the poor thing would've died.  And that's the point of this story.  Children these days are pathetic and weak.  Folks, we now live in a world where a sundae is a weapon of mass destruction!

Weapons of mass destruction

The only way we can halt the sissification of the human species is to force feed people with food allergies the very foods which they are allergic to.  Either they will adapt, evolve, and become strengthened by the exposure to such foods, or natural selection will do its job.  It's a win-win situation, no matter how you look at it.