An opinion is like a bank account- the only one that matters is my own. Keeping this mind, let's see what expert advice I have for my readers (all five of them) this month.
Dear Gus,
My daughter is getting married this summer and at her reception she is planning to have BBQ ribs. I've tried convincing her that this is a bad idea. What do you think?
(Debbie Jo, Athens, Georgia)
I haven't met your daughter, but something tells me that this wedding is also going to feature a John Deere tractor and a wall-mounted singing largemouth bass. Since you're from Georgia, this presumption probably isn't much of a stretch. I'm not a gourmet or a slap-happy fancypants who gives a hoot about social situations, but what I lack in refinement I make up for in good ol' common sense... and common sense tells me that BBQ sauce + formalwear = accident waiting to happen (much like the birth of your daughter, I'm guessing).
The bottom line is this- Wetnaps are not a part of a classy event, and any type of food you eat with your hands has no place in a formal event. You know who eats with their hands? Jungle savages who live in grass huts. Unless the groom's name is D'jkembe and the ceremony is being held in Nigeria, tell your daughter to skip the ribs and choose food that can be eaten with a fork.
Dear Gus,
My son just turned five and has expressed an interest in playing sports. Unfortunately, he wants to play soccer. How can I get him interested in a sport that's, well, not soccer?
(Jim, Ogdensburg, NY)
As a fellow father, I feel your frustration. If guys like us wanted to watch a bunch of sissies in knee-socks traipsing through the grass, we'd move to Europe (or San Francisco). The first thing you need to do is to prepare your boy mentally, in order to get him "psyched up". Duct-tape him to a chair and force him to watch Rocky movies. But only Rocky I to Rocky IV... after Stallone whoops the Russian, the whole franchise sorta falls apart. Before you know it, little Johnny will be chugging raw eggs and climbing to the top of a mountain screaming "Drago!!!!" A few steroid injections probably wouldn't hurt, either.
Dear Mr. Muldoon,
How do I stop my dog from drinking out of the toilet?
(Edward, Hagerstown, MD)
I've always been an advocate of reverse psychology, but since you can't exactly reason with a dog, I recommend turning the tables on Fido. The next time he drinks from the toilet, take a crap in his water bowl.
Dear Gus,
I've been married for six months and I can't help but to wonder if I did the right thing. In the beginning of the relationship, things were great. We got along wonderfully, and I even took a liking to her parents. But now I'm having doubts. I mean, do I really want to wake up next to the same woman for the rest of my life? I'm only 26, so that could mean fifty or sixty more years! Am I stupid for getting married?
(Ethan, Greenville, WA)
Yes.
Gus,
I've been on unemployment for two years and I am still not having much luck finding a job in my field. Even the work that is available within my profession pays less than what I had been earning before. My wife says I should take any job, but I think she just wants me out of the house. How can I explain to her that the smart thing to do is wait until the right job comes along?
(Steve, Sunbury, PA)
Steve, if you were any more pig-headed, your breath would smell like bacon. Do you expect me to sympathize with you because you're not making as much money as before? I've got news for you, Twinkletoes- most of us are in the same boat! The only difference between the rest of us and you, my friend, is that we put on our big boy pants, stopped whining, and went back to work. There's nothing more pathetic than people who sit at home feeling sorry for themselves. Maybe you can get a job as an event planner, since you seem to enjoy throwing a pity party.
And don't try telling me that there aren't any jobs available. That's horse-hooey. Pick up a newspaper and look at the help wanted section. Do you see a blank page staring back at you? I didn't think so, Spanky. These might not be the jobs you want, but in the real world you get handed lots of things you don't want: children, a wife, hemorrhoids... just to name a few. Now get off your fat keister and get a job like a real man.
Got a question for Gus? Send 'em to gusmuldoon@yahoo.com.
Dear Gus,
My daughter is getting married this summer and at her reception she is planning to have BBQ ribs. I've tried convincing her that this is a bad idea. What do you think?
(Debbie Jo, Athens, Georgia)
I haven't met your daughter, but something tells me that this wedding is also going to feature a John Deere tractor and a wall-mounted singing largemouth bass. Since you're from Georgia, this presumption probably isn't much of a stretch. I'm not a gourmet or a slap-happy fancypants who gives a hoot about social situations, but what I lack in refinement I make up for in good ol' common sense... and common sense tells me that BBQ sauce + formalwear = accident waiting to happen (much like the birth of your daughter, I'm guessing).
The bottom line is this- Wetnaps are not a part of a classy event, and any type of food you eat with your hands has no place in a formal event. You know who eats with their hands? Jungle savages who live in grass huts. Unless the groom's name is D'jkembe and the ceremony is being held in Nigeria, tell your daughter to skip the ribs and choose food that can be eaten with a fork.
Dear Gus,
My son just turned five and has expressed an interest in playing sports. Unfortunately, he wants to play soccer. How can I get him interested in a sport that's, well, not soccer?
(Jim, Ogdensburg, NY)
As a fellow father, I feel your frustration. If guys like us wanted to watch a bunch of sissies in knee-socks traipsing through the grass, we'd move to Europe (or San Francisco). The first thing you need to do is to prepare your boy mentally, in order to get him "psyched up". Duct-tape him to a chair and force him to watch Rocky movies. But only Rocky I to Rocky IV... after Stallone whoops the Russian, the whole franchise sorta falls apart. Before you know it, little Johnny will be chugging raw eggs and climbing to the top of a mountain screaming "Drago!!!!" A few steroid injections probably wouldn't hurt, either.
Dear Mr. Muldoon,
How do I stop my dog from drinking out of the toilet?
(Edward, Hagerstown, MD)
I've always been an advocate of reverse psychology, but since you can't exactly reason with a dog, I recommend turning the tables on Fido. The next time he drinks from the toilet, take a crap in his water bowl.
Dear Gus,
I've been married for six months and I can't help but to wonder if I did the right thing. In the beginning of the relationship, things were great. We got along wonderfully, and I even took a liking to her parents. But now I'm having doubts. I mean, do I really want to wake up next to the same woman for the rest of my life? I'm only 26, so that could mean fifty or sixty more years! Am I stupid for getting married?
(Ethan, Greenville, WA)
Yes.
Gus,
I've been on unemployment for two years and I am still not having much luck finding a job in my field. Even the work that is available within my profession pays less than what I had been earning before. My wife says I should take any job, but I think she just wants me out of the house. How can I explain to her that the smart thing to do is wait until the right job comes along?
(Steve, Sunbury, PA)
Steve, if you were any more pig-headed, your breath would smell like bacon. Do you expect me to sympathize with you because you're not making as much money as before? I've got news for you, Twinkletoes- most of us are in the same boat! The only difference between the rest of us and you, my friend, is that we put on our big boy pants, stopped whining, and went back to work. There's nothing more pathetic than people who sit at home feeling sorry for themselves. Maybe you can get a job as an event planner, since you seem to enjoy throwing a pity party.
And don't try telling me that there aren't any jobs available. That's horse-hooey. Pick up a newspaper and look at the help wanted section. Do you see a blank page staring back at you? I didn't think so, Spanky. These might not be the jobs you want, but in the real world you get handed lots of things you don't want: children, a wife, hemorrhoids... just to name a few. Now get off your fat keister and get a job like a real man.
Got a question for Gus? Send 'em to gusmuldoon@yahoo.com.
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