Many readers (all three of them) ask me how I come up with article ideas. Most of the time, my ranting is the result of reading news headlines. Unfortunately, stupidity is often so rampant in the world that it's difficult to choose a single story. Therefore, I give you Gus Muldoon's "Month In Stupidity", so that I may give as many boneheads as possible the public shaming they so righteously deserve. Let's take a look at this month's mental midgets.
1. Mark Wolford Shows Us Why West Virginia Has Only Produced One Nobel Prize Winner In The Past 127 Years
June began with the funeral of Mark Wolford, a serpent-handling preacher from West Virginia who proved Darwin's theory of natural selection after he died as a result of a rattlesnake bite in late May. Like many Pentecostal wackos residing in America's Armpit (or Appalachia, if you prefer), Wolford believed that he would be immune from harm, thanks to a Gospel passage which claims: "In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues. They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them". Apparently, the rattlesnake in question never read the Bible.
Most interesting, however, is the fact that Wolford watched his own father die after a rattlesnake bit him during a similar stunt. Wolford is credited with saying "This is a sign to show people that God has the power." Indeed. Pastor Wolford has shown us that, just like in the Old Testament, God still gets a kick out of smiting idiots.
2. Bristol Palin Shows Us The Future Of American Politics
On June 14, Bristol Palin offered the world a scary glimpse of what the future may look like in American politics. While promoting her new Lifetime reality series, "Life's a Tripp," on Fox News, Bristol Palin was asked by Sean Hannity about possibly following in her mother's snowshoes and running for office one day. Bristol, whose main accomplishment so far in life was becoming an unwed teenage mother, has confessed to possibly having political aspirations.
I don't know about you, but I sure hope the Grim Reaper pays me a visit before that day ever comes. Personally, I'd rather cast my vote for a casaba melon with a mustache drawn on it. At least we wouldn't have to wonder who the smarter candidate would be, since it would be a tie. In order to prove my point, let's get to the end of the interview, where Bristol appears to have some regrets about the Lifetime series:
"If I would have known it was my own name and so much in my life is gonna be shown on this show, I think I would reconsider it and think about it more," she admitted to Hannity.
So let me get this straight... Bristol Palin had no idea that a reality show about her own life was going to feature, well, her own life? Either Miss Palin is about as bright as a burned-out lightbulb, or Lifetime has some really smooth-talking executives.
I have some career advice for Bristol. If the reality star thing doesn't pan out, you can always move to West Virginia and become a snake-handling Pentecostal preacher. Imagine all of the good you will do for society!
3. The New York Mets Reveal Their Plan For Destroying America's Favorite Pastime
Even before the days of Ty Cobb, Americans have loved to go to ballgames in order to enjoy peanuts, Cracker Jack, and rooting for the home team. But thanks to the New York Mets, baseball fans may no longer able to enjoy these things.
Last year the Mets began to offer peanut-free seating, which offers enclosed suites with power washed seats and a nut-free menu for delicate fans who may break out into a rash and cry like lily-livered sissies if their hindquarters come into contact with a legume. In June, the Mets announced that they will also be offering "cheering-free" sections in order to accommodate autistic children. (Here's a thought: why not just hand out complimentary headphones or ear plugs instead of having discriminatory seating?)
Folks, this over-accommodation for a tiny portion of the American population is going to put the nail in baseball's coffin. Who wants to buy a ticket to a ballpark where cheering is against the rules? That's like paying a cover charge to get into a strip club where nudity is forbidden. It's as disappointing as a botched vasectomy.
But this is just the tip of the iceberg. My sources at Citi Field tell me that the Mets are planning a bunch of changes for next season. For instance, the seating behind home plate will be reserved for the blind, while the area behind the visitor's dugout will be reserved for the lactose intolerant. Behind the right field fence you will find the gluten-free seating, while center field will be reserved for people who are afraid of clowns. Immediately behind the bullpen will be reserved seating for atheists who suffer from hay fever, and left field will feature special seating for Hispanic pre-op transsexuals who suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder. Meanwhile, three seats in the mezzanine will be reserved for those who are still Mets fans after three consecutive losing seasons.
4. New 5-Hour Energy Commercials Prove That Even The Mentally Challenged Can Land A Job In Advertising
No one has ever accused 5-Hour Energy of making commercials that feature talented actors. If the acting was any worse, they could hire Megan Fox. But the newest slew of commercials are horrible, not just because of the acting, but mainly because they make about as much sense as a screen door on a submarine.
In these new ads, some weirdo wearing a sheriff's badge, a cowbot hat, and a bolo tie, magically appears in front of some schmucks drinking coffee and says, "There's a new sheriff in town. Put down those lattes, boys!" or something to that extent. As Walker Texas Ranger hands the bewildered coffee-drinkers a couple of bottles of 5-Hour Energy, the coffee-drinkers enthusiastically chuck their beverages onto the ground and smile as if Willy Wonka had just handed them a golden ticket.
Now, if this Steven Seagal wannabe really is Johnny Law, why does he disappear without a trace after giving away the bottles? Wouldn't he write the coffee-drinkers a ticket for littering? And who the hell tosses their lattes on the ground when they're confronted by a sheriff? And what the heck is a Wild West sheriff doing in suburbia distributing energy supplements? And how does he know the coffee-drinkers are drinking lattes? Is he some sort of pyschic genie sheriff? Or is he a hallucination produced by some sort of caffeine overdose? What gives, 5-Hour Energy? Tell me!
5. New Adidas Sneakers Deemed Racist By People With Too Much Time On Their Hands
Adidas unveiled a new sneaker, the JS Roundhouse Mid, to much public outrage. The sneakers, designed by Jeremy Scott, feature orange plastic shackles that attach to the wearer's ankles. This fashion monstrosity alone would be enough to warrant a mention on this list, but my ire isn't reserved for Adidas, the shoe's designer, or for the morons who will plunk down $350 in order to buy these shoes which have all the visual appeal of Betty White after soaking three hours in a bathtub.
No, my ire is the result of the idiots who are crying foul because they believe that the sneakers are racist. Now, if you ask me, anyone who sees a shackle and automatically conjures up images of slavery is either a closet racist, a person with entirely too much free time on their hands, or one of those people who look for the slightest hint of potential or subliminal racism in everyday life.
This proves one of my long-held beliefs, which is that some people absolutely love to get offended. When they are offended, it fills them with the rush of emotion one usually gets from a lover's kiss or warm embrace. You know the type- people who hop in their cars during the holidays, driving down every street keeping their eyes peeled for some holiday display which may have the tinest hint of religious connotation.
These over-zealous brainless wonders are still crying foul, even after Adidas came out and said that neither the company (nor the shoes's designer) is in any way racist. And that's one common trait among the easily-offended: they won't shut their crap-spewing yappers even after they get the apology for which they crusaded.
If this sneaker is racist, then so is my Fruit of the Loom underwear. After all, they're made of cotton, and we all know that cotton played an important role in slavery. Yet only a blithering dolt with the IQ of a lobotomized fruit fly would think that Fruit of the Loom is a racist company.
1. Mark Wolford Shows Us Why West Virginia Has Only Produced One Nobel Prize Winner In The Past 127 Years
June began with the funeral of Mark Wolford, a serpent-handling preacher from West Virginia who proved Darwin's theory of natural selection after he died as a result of a rattlesnake bite in late May. Like many Pentecostal wackos residing in America's Armpit (or Appalachia, if you prefer), Wolford believed that he would be immune from harm, thanks to a Gospel passage which claims: "In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues. They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them". Apparently, the rattlesnake in question never read the Bible.
Most interesting, however, is the fact that Wolford watched his own father die after a rattlesnake bit him during a similar stunt. Wolford is credited with saying "This is a sign to show people that God has the power." Indeed. Pastor Wolford has shown us that, just like in the Old Testament, God still gets a kick out of smiting idiots.
2. Bristol Palin Shows Us The Future Of American Politics
On June 14, Bristol Palin offered the world a scary glimpse of what the future may look like in American politics. While promoting her new Lifetime reality series, "Life's a Tripp," on Fox News, Bristol Palin was asked by Sean Hannity about possibly following in her mother's snowshoes and running for office one day. Bristol, whose main accomplishment so far in life was becoming an unwed teenage mother, has confessed to possibly having political aspirations.
I don't know about you, but I sure hope the Grim Reaper pays me a visit before that day ever comes. Personally, I'd rather cast my vote for a casaba melon with a mustache drawn on it. At least we wouldn't have to wonder who the smarter candidate would be, since it would be a tie. In order to prove my point, let's get to the end of the interview, where Bristol appears to have some regrets about the Lifetime series:
"If I would have known it was my own name and so much in my life is gonna be shown on this show, I think I would reconsider it and think about it more," she admitted to Hannity.
So let me get this straight... Bristol Palin had no idea that a reality show about her own life was going to feature, well, her own life? Either Miss Palin is about as bright as a burned-out lightbulb, or Lifetime has some really smooth-talking executives.
I have some career advice for Bristol. If the reality star thing doesn't pan out, you can always move to West Virginia and become a snake-handling Pentecostal preacher. Imagine all of the good you will do for society!
3. The New York Mets Reveal Their Plan For Destroying America's Favorite Pastime
Even before the days of Ty Cobb, Americans have loved to go to ballgames in order to enjoy peanuts, Cracker Jack, and rooting for the home team. But thanks to the New York Mets, baseball fans may no longer able to enjoy these things.
Last year the Mets began to offer peanut-free seating, which offers enclosed suites with power washed seats and a nut-free menu for delicate fans who may break out into a rash and cry like lily-livered sissies if their hindquarters come into contact with a legume. In June, the Mets announced that they will also be offering "cheering-free" sections in order to accommodate autistic children. (Here's a thought: why not just hand out complimentary headphones or ear plugs instead of having discriminatory seating?)
Folks, this over-accommodation for a tiny portion of the American population is going to put the nail in baseball's coffin. Who wants to buy a ticket to a ballpark where cheering is against the rules? That's like paying a cover charge to get into a strip club where nudity is forbidden. It's as disappointing as a botched vasectomy.
But this is just the tip of the iceberg. My sources at Citi Field tell me that the Mets are planning a bunch of changes for next season. For instance, the seating behind home plate will be reserved for the blind, while the area behind the visitor's dugout will be reserved for the lactose intolerant. Behind the right field fence you will find the gluten-free seating, while center field will be reserved for people who are afraid of clowns. Immediately behind the bullpen will be reserved seating for atheists who suffer from hay fever, and left field will feature special seating for Hispanic pre-op transsexuals who suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder. Meanwhile, three seats in the mezzanine will be reserved for those who are still Mets fans after three consecutive losing seasons.
4. New 5-Hour Energy Commercials Prove That Even The Mentally Challenged Can Land A Job In Advertising
No one has ever accused 5-Hour Energy of making commercials that feature talented actors. If the acting was any worse, they could hire Megan Fox. But the newest slew of commercials are horrible, not just because of the acting, but mainly because they make about as much sense as a screen door on a submarine.
In these new ads, some weirdo wearing a sheriff's badge, a cowbot hat, and a bolo tie, magically appears in front of some schmucks drinking coffee and says, "There's a new sheriff in town. Put down those lattes, boys!" or something to that extent. As Walker Texas Ranger hands the bewildered coffee-drinkers a couple of bottles of 5-Hour Energy, the coffee-drinkers enthusiastically chuck their beverages onto the ground and smile as if Willy Wonka had just handed them a golden ticket.
Now, if this Steven Seagal wannabe really is Johnny Law, why does he disappear without a trace after giving away the bottles? Wouldn't he write the coffee-drinkers a ticket for littering? And who the hell tosses their lattes on the ground when they're confronted by a sheriff? And what the heck is a Wild West sheriff doing in suburbia distributing energy supplements? And how does he know the coffee-drinkers are drinking lattes? Is he some sort of pyschic genie sheriff? Or is he a hallucination produced by some sort of caffeine overdose? What gives, 5-Hour Energy? Tell me!
5. New Adidas Sneakers Deemed Racist By People With Too Much Time On Their Hands
Adidas unveiled a new sneaker, the JS Roundhouse Mid, to much public outrage. The sneakers, designed by Jeremy Scott, feature orange plastic shackles that attach to the wearer's ankles. This fashion monstrosity alone would be enough to warrant a mention on this list, but my ire isn't reserved for Adidas, the shoe's designer, or for the morons who will plunk down $350 in order to buy these shoes which have all the visual appeal of Betty White after soaking three hours in a bathtub.
No, my ire is the result of the idiots who are crying foul because they believe that the sneakers are racist. Now, if you ask me, anyone who sees a shackle and automatically conjures up images of slavery is either a closet racist, a person with entirely too much free time on their hands, or one of those people who look for the slightest hint of potential or subliminal racism in everyday life.
This proves one of my long-held beliefs, which is that some people absolutely love to get offended. When they are offended, it fills them with the rush of emotion one usually gets from a lover's kiss or warm embrace. You know the type- people who hop in their cars during the holidays, driving down every street keeping their eyes peeled for some holiday display which may have the tinest hint of religious connotation.
These over-zealous brainless wonders are still crying foul, even after Adidas came out and said that neither the company (nor the shoes's designer) is in any way racist. And that's one common trait among the easily-offended: they won't shut their crap-spewing yappers even after they get the apology for which they crusaded.
If this sneaker is racist, then so is my Fruit of the Loom underwear. After all, they're made of cotton, and we all know that cotton played an important role in slavery. Yet only a blithering dolt with the IQ of a lobotomized fruit fly would think that Fruit of the Loom is a racist company.
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