Gus on Breastfeeding

According to the Chinese horoscope, 2012 is the Year of the Dragon.  But if there was an American horoscope, 2012 just might be known as the Year of the Mammary Gland.  Breastfeeding has been in the news quite a bit this year.  Who can forget Time Magazine's controversial (and disgusting) magazine cover from May which showed a mommy letting her nearly four-year-old son suck on her boob?  And now we've got this story in the news about two National Guardswomen who posed for a breastfeeding picture that was intended to promote August's World Breastfeeding Week. 

The last time I saw so many breasts on public display, I was sitting by the stage at Big Al's Jiggly Room. 

Which brings me to the point of this article, which is that there is a time and a place for women whipping out their breasts and making a public spectacle of themselves.  In a strip club, this is perfectly normal and acceptable behavior.  On the bus or on a park bench?  Not so much.

She calls her left one General Patton and the right one general MacArthur

Now, I've heard all of the pro-breastfeeding arguments and trust me when I say that I am, in fact, a supporter of breast-feeding.  I'm also a supporter of regular prostate examinations for men over 50, but that doesn't mean I want to see one taking place while I'm shopping at the mall or taking my dog for a walk at the park.

In other words, stop acting like an exhibitionist slut and put those damn things away, ladies!

And enough with all of the idiots who claim that it's "beautiful" to see a mother breastfeeding her child in public.  Nobody thinks that a baby drinking from a bottle is adorable, but a baby sucking on bloated milk melons in public?  Adorable!

Let's not forget about the morons who support public boob-sucking because they claim it is "natural".  Well guess what, dummy?  Bowel movements are natural too.  But do you want to watch me drop trou in the middle of a crowded restaurant, squat over a table, and do my business?  Of course not!  And that's exactly how I feel when I'm forced to witness a disgusting, obnoxious, gut-wrenching spectacle like breastfeeding.

Mothers, what you do with your snot-nosed rug rat in the privacy of home is your own business, but when you decide to breastfeed in public you are making it everyone else's business too.

And don't try to convince me that breast-feeding is somehow related to the "miracle of childbirth" and the "beauty of nature" and all of that nonsense.  Unless things have changed since I was young, it still takes sperm in order to produce a baby.  Therefore, a man's sperm is every bit as magical and miraculous as a woman's breast milk.  So if you want to argue that it's socially acceptable to breastfeed in public, then I'll argue that it's socially acceptable for a man to pleasure himself in public.

Here's another part of the argument which all of the mammary-Nazis choose to ignore: It takes just as much time to find a place to breast-feed a baby in private as it does to breast-feed a baby in public.  But why don't women seem to want to make an effort to find a place to hide their shame?  Are they just plain lazy?  Or could it be possible that women get a perverse kick out of public breastfeeding because they know they are making a scene?

Is it any coincidence that the word for milk in Spanish is leche, and in the English dictionary the word lech means a "pervert, or sexual deviant"?  If you are a lecher, you are someone who engages in lechery.  If you combine the Spanish word for milk, leche, with the suffix -ous, you'll create a word which literally means "full of milk"- lecherous!   The dictionary also defines lecherous as "erotically suggestive; inciting to lust".

And what is the name of the international, nonprofit, nonsectarian organization dedicated to providing education, information, support, and encouragement to women who want to breastfeed?  La Leche League! 

If you ask me, the ulterior motive of the La Leche League is to encourage women to be lecherous.  So, in closing, allow me to reiterate:  Ladies, stop acting like an exhibitionist slut and put those damn things away!