Skip to main content

Nobody Gives a Crap About Your Baby



I'll admit it- I hate babies.  But if there's anything I hate more than babies, it's expectant mothers who assume that everyone else on Earth is as enamored with each disgusting pregnancy development as they are themselves.  Thanks to the wonders of technology, a new app called BabyBump allows obnoxious, self-absorbed mommies-to-be an opportunity to annoy the hell out of their Facebook friends with daily posts about the parasitic hellspawns growing inside their tummies.  And let's face it, you have to be pretty darn self-absorbed to think that anyone other than yourself gives a rat's fart in the wind about what's taking place inside your bloated body 173 days into your pregnancy.

According to the BabyBump website, the app is a "pregnancy tracker and social health network for expecting families", providing expecting mothers with a "schematic embryo picture of your baby each week" as well as a bunch of useless junk only a woman would care about, including a journal for tracking daily mood swings and waist measurements.  The app even tells you what food cravings you'll be expecting from week to week.


However, the truly astounding thing about this app is that it gives preggos the ability to share all this useless information via Facebook, turning uninterested Facebook users' timelines into play-by-play sports announcers who bore viewers senseless with obscure and irrelevant statistics about the batter in the on-deck circle ("As you may know, Joe is batting .234 against left-handed pitchers who attended a middle school named after a Republican president.")

Case in point.  This morning I logged into Facebook and see this on my timeline, posted from the cellphone of a woman I'll call Jill:

I am recording my baby's kicks with BabyBump! My baby has kicked 3 times since 9:24am!
A few hours later, I see:

I am recording my baby's kicks with BabyBump! My baby has kicked 5 times since 9:24am!

And, a couple hours later, I saw:

 I am recording my baby's kicks with BabyBump! My baby has kicked 8 times since 9:24am!


This update was immediately followed by another post featuring a "schematic embryo picture", like the colorful medical drawings on the wall of a doctor's office, with a headline reading: Check out what's happening on day 200 of my pregnancy!


Sweet sassy molassey!  I counted, and in one day this obnoxious and self-obsessed babymaker whom I'll continue to call Jill used this app to vandalize my Facebook timeline with 34 BabyBump-generated posts intended to update the world on her pregnancy, as if she were carrying around the underdeveloped fetus of Jesus inside her stretchmarked belly (although I'm pretty sure Jill's pregnancy was the unplanned result of three minutes of sloppy sex in the backseat of a Toyota).

Fed up with this nonsense, I sent Jill a message on Facebook giving her a piece of my mind, and received the following response:

"But Grandpa, I thought you'd be interested in my pregnancy, since you'll soon be a great-grandfather!"

My initial response was to inform my granddaughter that I wasn't even interested in my regular grandchildren, and only moderately interested in my own children, and that I'm looking forward to great-grandchildren the same way I'm looking forward to my next colonoscopy.  And then I thought of a great way to get it through Jill's thick head that the rest of us find her pregnancy as interesting as watching two garden slugs race each other.  I posted on her Facebook wall:

I am recording my bowel movements with CrapTracker!  I haven't had a bowel movement since Tuesday morning!

And three hours later, I posted:

I am recording my bowel movements with CrapTracker!  I still haven't had a bowel movement since Tuesday morning!
And, a few minutes ago, I posted:

I am recording my bowel movements with CrapTracker!  I STILL haven't had a bowel movement since Tuesday morning!

Let's hope that Jill, and all of you other breeders out there, get the hint that no one gives a crap about your daily pregnancy updates.  Otherwise, I'll have no choice but to take pictures on the blessed day when I'm able to evacuate my bowels and post pictures of my own special delivery all over your Facebook wall.


  
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

How to Deal With Having an Ugly Baby

If you're the parent of an ugly baby, you've probably been asking yourself lots of questions ever since your bouncing bundle of shame came into this world. Questions like, "Is this some sort of punishment from God?", "Should I leave him in a dumpster?" or "How much can an ugly baby fetch on the black market?" These types of questions are perfectly normal. The only thing that's abnormal is being the parent of an ugly baby and acting like you have the cutest, sweetest, or prettiest baby in the world. That, my friend, is mental sickness.  When my oldest son was born, I was asking the same questions myself. I fell to my knees and raised my arms to the heavens, asking, "What have I done to deserve this?" In the delivery room, I pleaded with the doctor to put him back in because he didn't look quite done yet. When that didn't work, I waited until no one was looking and tried to swap him with a better-looking baby from the hos...
8 comments
Read more

Why Gas Pumps Are Our Mortal Enemies

How I long for the good old days, when gas pumps were hand-cranked and the fueling process only took about an hour or two.  Granted, those days took place long before most of you were born, but believe me when I say that the process of getting gas took less time than it does today with these computerized high-tech pumps. Here's what I mean.  You pull up to the pump, slide your credit or debit card through, and you are instantly bombarded with questions asked by the pump.  Would you like a receipt?  Yes or No. "No" Do you have a rewards card?  Yes or No. "No", you mutter angrily. Do you want a rewards card?  Yes or no. "No." Would you like a car wash?  Yes or No. "A car wash?" you ask.  "It's pouring down rain, and all I want is five bucks worth of gas." Would you like to try one of our new six-inch subs?  Yes or No. "No!  For Pete's sake, I just want gas!" Please enter your zip code. "Zip code?  What does a...
Post a Comment
Read more

Honor Your Dead Aunt With A Butterfly On Your Butt Crack

Dear Gus, Last year my favorite aunt died after a long battle with breast cancer.  She was like a mother to me, and I miss her very much.  I am considering getting a tattoo as a tribute.  Since dolphins were her favorite animals I'm considering maybe a dolphin on my ankle.  What do you think? If I was your aunt I'd be rolling over in my grave. There are many ways you can make your aunt proud, like becoming successful in your career or devoting your time to helping others (just like what I do). Permanently disfiguring your body with a tacky drawing of a fish on your stinky foot ain't going to make her proud. If anything, it will probably piss her off from beyond the grave.  I'll never understand why so many young people think that tattoos are so great. Back in the late 90s my nineteen year-old son come home with a tattoo, some God-awful tribal design on his arm. I told him that if he wanted to pretend he was a jungle-bunny from New Guinea then I was goin...
Post a Comment
Read more