Gus Muldoon's Infamous Seldomly-Updated Blog

I'm sure this will probably ruffle the feathers of some of you but I, for one, and pretty darn sick and tired of how recklessly the word "hero" is being tossed around these days, especially in regards to folks in the military and law enforcement. You see, in order to actually become a hero, you have to do something heroic.  That part should be common sense.  Throwing yourself on a grenade to save a platoon is heroic.  Exposing yourself to enemy fire to save the life of another soldier is heroic.  Simply being in the military, while appreciated, is not an act of heroism... especially if you served your country by lounging around a military base in some tropical paradise like Hawaii.  Saving your commanding officer from a falling coconut is not an act of heroism. The same applies to law enforcement.  Rushing into a burning building to save a life is heroic.  Saving a hostage from an armed madman is heroic.  Writing traffic tickets and rescui...

As a service to my faithful readers (both of you), I've decided to invent something I like to call the Perpetual TV Guide.  Any day of the week, any month of the year, simply check these listings and you'll be surprised just how accurate my TV Guide is.  In fact, 65% of research has shown that 95% of my TV Guide is accurate 92% of the time! Here's what's on: CSPAN- an old white guy speaking from a podium CSPAN2- a woman of some minority group speaking from a podium. ESPN- SportsCenter ESPN2- a sport which you don't care much about. ESPN Classic- a college football game from 1998 re-mastered so that it looks vintage and grainy and makes you feel a lot older than you really are. HALLMARK CHANNEL-  A Hallmark Original Movie about a woman who struggles to rebuild her life while baking gourmet cupcakes, followed by The Golden Girls . LIFETIME- Twelve straight hours of The Golden Girls , followed by a Lifetime Original Movie about a woman who overcomes...

The words "etiquette" and "all-you-can-eat buffet" are seldom used in the same sentence (much like the words "West Virginia" and "high school diploma"), and anyone who frequents these dining establishments knows that during busy times, walking up to a buffet is like stepping onto a roller derby rink. Elbows and expletives fly, and any semblance of class and etiquette is tossed into the dumpster like so many day-old eggrolls. Practicing good etiquette at all-you-can-eat buffets is necessary if you want to differentiate yourself from the maddening throngs of wildebeests heaping an entire week's worth of calories onto a single plate. Following these tips will certainly help. 1. Always use a clean plate for each trip you make to the buffet. After you have cleared your plate, set it aside and someone will come along shortly to take it away. Yes, they really will. 2. Always escort your children to the buffet. We all love children (especially pe...

"I want my guns!" "And I want to live to see my seventh birthday, douchebag." "We need our guns to defend our precious property! Sorry, kid." "We wouldn't have this problem if we allowed Jesus in the classroom." "We're on it!" "Oy vey! Maybe I should just destroy the world and start over." "Told you so!"

I've never been one to support government interference in our lives, but after today's school shooting in Connecticut, just days after a mall shooting in Oregon which left two people dead, I've come to the conclusion that America needs a nationwide ban on guns.  And I don't mean just assault rifles, I mean every gun. Period. I believe that society, as a whole, has demonstrated time and time again that we are simply too stupid to be granted the right of gun ownership.  And I'm not talking about gun violence perpetrated by those using illegal guns, but mass shootings which came about as the result of some disturbed individual using firearms that were legally purchased.  While this may ruffle the feathers of you NRA-loving right-wingers, the bottom line is that we cannot as a society bear the loss of more innocent lives just because some hillbilly couldn't figure out how to lock up his gun collection.  That's right, folks- while the Constitution may grant y...

Steven Tyler, the frontman of the iconic band Aerosmith, was forced to apologize this week after some garish freak whose only discernible talent is looking like a transgendered hooker took offense to a comment which she deemed as 'racist'.  That talentless transgendered hooker, of course, is Nicki Minaj. The controversy began when Tyler, a former American Idol judge, told an MTV interviewer that the legendary Bob Dylan would probably be voted off this year's show.  Of course, that's pure speculation, since Bob Dylan probably has as much interest in American Idol as Casey Anthony has in motherhood. Tyler's comments did not sit well with Minaj who, along with Mariah Carey and Keith Urban, will have the dubious honor of judging 'talent' on the newest season of the show.  How's that for humor?  Minaj judging talent.  That's kinda like letting the Pope judge a wet t-shirt contest (the Pope, by the way, has a wider vocal range than Minaj and is a much ...

I'll admit it- I hate babies.  But if there's anything I hate more than babies, it's expectant mothers who assume that everyone else on Earth is as enamored with each disgusting pregnancy development as they are themselves.  Thanks to the wonders of technology, a new app called BabyBump allows obnoxious, self-absorbed mommies-to-be an opportunity to annoy the hell out of their Facebook friends with daily posts about the parasitic hellspawns growing inside their tummies.  And let's face it, you have to be pretty darn self-absorbed to think that anyone other than yourself gives a rat's fart in the wind about what's taking place inside your bloated body 173 days into your pregnancy. According to the BabyBump website, the app is a "pregnancy tracker and social health network for expecting families", providing expecting mothers with a "schematic embryo picture of your baby each week" as well as a bunch of useless junk only a woman would care ...