Skip to main content

Breaking News!



Whether you're a homophobic conservative, a doobie-smoking liberal, or a spineless pantywaist moderate, chances are you probably occasionally tune into CNN, FOX News, or that channel with the helmet-haired loudmouth drag queen who's always looking for missing sluts or lost babies (I'm referring to Nancy Grace, not Keith Olbermann).  Also, chances are at any given time you'll glance at the screen and see: BREAKING NEWS! which will undoubtedly be followed by a description of a news item which is about as interesting as a Tyler Perry movie.  (Spoiler Alert: In his next film, Tyler Perry will play the role of an sassy black grandma!)

Normally I view these "breaking stories" as a mild irritation, much like a bout of diarrhea, Fran Drescher's voice, female stand-up comics, jock itch, or Rachel Maddow's snarkiness (what, you're a lesbian and you hate Rush Limbaugh?  No way!)

However, after recently flipping through the channels and seeing: BREAKING NEWS!  SNOOKI IS PREGNANT! I knew I had to say something about the sad state of television journalism.  Walter Cronkite, Edward R. Murrow, and Barbara Walters are probably spinning in their graves.  If a gutter hussy from Jersey getting knocked up is breaking news, then my next bowel movement should land me on the front page of the New York Times.  Both of these things happen every single day and both are events which no one really cares about, unless you have a fascination with the mating habits of the orange-skinned troll (or Guidetteus Oompus Loompus, if you prefer Latin).

Which begs the question, what makes a news story "breaking"?

Decades ago, back when Larry King was a fresh-faced eighty-year-old kid married to wife number six, the words "breaking news" were reserved for something significant and important, usually involving things like mass casualties and exotic bacteria which causes people to bleed from the eyeballs.  Earthquakes, tornadoes, and hurricanes are worthy of being labeled as breaking news.  A windy day in Poughkeepsie?  Not so much.  The label of "breaking news" was also reserved for events which had just happened or were in the process of happening.  That's what puts the "breaking" in breaking news.

Nowadays, news channels will play out an event for weeks and still label it as breaking news.  I'm sure if you flipped through the news channels at this very moment, at least one channel will still be covering Whitney Houston's premature departure from the realm of the living.  The screen will probably read something like: Breaking News!  Whitney Houston's Hairdresser Speaks Out: "Whitney Preferred Hairspray Over Mousse". 

If you ask me, labeling a story as breaking news is nothing more than a gimmick to catch the attention of television viewers.  Unfortunately, the average television viewer has the attention span of a flea, and since the average attention span is getting shorter by the year, news channels are constantly struggling to find new ways to reel people in.  That's why they replaced real journalists (or men, as I like to call them) with Botox-injected babes with exotic-sounding first names and ordinary-sounding last names, like Soledad O'Brien, Contessa Brewer, and Campbell Brown.  Unfortunately for CNN and other networks, these ladies aren't getting any younger.  The only men who find Campbell Brown attractive are the ones who receive AARP brochures in the mail.  High definition television hasn't helped, either.   Heck, look at Katie Couric.  Once upon the time she was sexy, but now she looks like Bruce Jenner:





At this rate, a few years from now our attention spans will be so short that CNN will have to replace eye-candy like Nicole Lapin with bikini-clad midgets who perform cartwheels just to get our attention.  CNBC will replace Erin Burnett with a juggling monkey, and MSNBC will replace Rachel Maddow with an actual female.  Yet there is no doubt in my mind that, when this days comes, TV news networks will still label meaningless and trivial stories as "breaking news".       
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

How to Deal With Having an Ugly Baby

If you're the parent of an ugly baby, you've probably been asking yourself lots of questions ever since your bouncing bundle of shame came into this world. Questions like, "Is this some sort of punishment from God?", "Should I leave him in a dumpster?" or "How much can an ugly baby fetch on the black market?" These types of questions are perfectly normal. The only thing that's abnormal is being the parent of an ugly baby and acting like you have the cutest, sweetest, or prettiest baby in the world. That, my friend, is mental sickness.  When my oldest son was born, I was asking the same questions myself. I fell to my knees and raised my arms to the heavens, asking, "What have I done to deserve this?" In the delivery room, I pleaded with the doctor to put him back in because he didn't look quite done yet. When that didn't work, I waited until no one was looking and tried to swap him with a better-looking baby from the hos...
8 comments
Read more

Why Gas Pumps Are Our Mortal Enemies

How I long for the good old days, when gas pumps were hand-cranked and the fueling process only took about an hour or two.  Granted, those days took place long before most of you were born, but believe me when I say that the process of getting gas took less time than it does today with these computerized high-tech pumps. Here's what I mean.  You pull up to the pump, slide your credit or debit card through, and you are instantly bombarded with questions asked by the pump.  Would you like a receipt?  Yes or No. "No" Do you have a rewards card?  Yes or No. "No", you mutter angrily. Do you want a rewards card?  Yes or no. "No." Would you like a car wash?  Yes or No. "A car wash?" you ask.  "It's pouring down rain, and all I want is five bucks worth of gas." Would you like to try one of our new six-inch subs?  Yes or No. "No!  For Pete's sake, I just want gas!" Please enter your zip code. "Zip code?  What does a...
Post a Comment
Read more

Honor Your Dead Aunt With A Butterfly On Your Butt Crack

Dear Gus, Last year my favorite aunt died after a long battle with breast cancer.  She was like a mother to me, and I miss her very much.  I am considering getting a tattoo as a tribute.  Since dolphins were her favorite animals I'm considering maybe a dolphin on my ankle.  What do you think? If I was your aunt I'd be rolling over in my grave. There are many ways you can make your aunt proud, like becoming successful in your career or devoting your time to helping others (just like what I do). Permanently disfiguring your body with a tacky drawing of a fish on your stinky foot ain't going to make her proud. If anything, it will probably piss her off from beyond the grave.  I'll never understand why so many young people think that tattoos are so great. Back in the late 90s my nineteen year-old son come home with a tattoo, some God-awful tribal design on his arm. I told him that if he wanted to pretend he was a jungle-bunny from New Guinea then I was goin...
Post a Comment
Read more