Dancing With The Stars? There are more stars on the state flag of Texas than in this televised bowel movement

Recently, ABC announced the names of the Season 14 contestants; a veritable who's who of who-the-hell-cares.  If you're one of the millions of viewers who enjoy watching tap-dancing washed-up hacks, D-listers, and Hollywood cellar-dwellers, then give yourself a pat on the back, because you're responsible for making this monstrosity a hit show...which just goes to prove that Twinkie-munching milkshake-guzzling couch potatoes whose thumbs are too chubby to change the channel on the remote control will watch anything that's on, even if it has the artistic and creative value of a pile of sun-bleached dog crap.

If you're the kind of lame-brained slob who wastes life's precious moments glued to the boob tube while wearing a Snuggie, then you probably already know all of the Season 14 Dancing With the Stars contestants.  But if you actually have a life you probably don't know who most of these so-called "stars" are, this article is for you, my friend.    

As a service to those who don't give a mouse's fart in the wind about DWTS but would like a crash course on this season's contestants (so you won't look like an out of place oddball in your office break room), here is some background info on the latest menagerie of "stars" looking to mambo their way out of the Land of the Forgotten and Unknown.

Sherri Shepherd:  Whenever I run out of ipecac syrup, I like to tune into The View because nothing induces vomiting better than staring at Joy Behar's turkey-wattle neckflaps in high-def.  If you've tuned into The View lately and noticed that Star Jones somehow looks different, it's because you're looking at Sherri Shepherd.  Shepherd also stars in her own Lifetime sitcom called Sherri.  If you've never seen it, don't worry, you're not alone- autopsies attract more viewers than this stinking pile of garbage.  But if want to catch Sherri, just tune into Lifetime between the first set of a dozen episodes of The Golden Girls and the second set of a dozen episodes of The Golden Girls.   

Katherine Jenkins:  She's some kind of Welsh singer, I think.  She is best-known for once singing the Welsh National Anthem before a cricket match in 2009.  She also performed at a birthday party alongside an Armenian comedy pianist.  And the sad thing is that I'm not even making this up.  Read her Wikipedia entry.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Katherine_Jenkins

William Levy:  Don't let the name fool you- he's as Cuban as Ricky Ricardo, which probably means he's a communist to boot.  He's also Jewish.  Yes, a Jewish Cuban.  A Jewban.  His claim to fame?  He appeared in two reality shows on Telemundo, which, I think, is a Spanish-language TV network.  Or something off the Taco Bell menu (I vaguely recall eating a Beefy Cheese Telemundo).  Levy also lent his voice to the Spanish version of the animated family film Planet 51.  To put this into perspective, the American stars of this family-friendly sci-fi crapfest were Dwayne Johnson and the guy from Dude, Where's My Car?

Maria Menounos:  No, Menounos isn't a brand of Greek yogurt.  Her Wikipedia page lists Ms. Menounos as a "journalist"...which is like referring to your paperboy as a "print media dispatcher" or the Walmart cart pusher as a "grocery transport technician".  Menounos is a correspondent for Access Hollywood and Extra.  In other words, she has earned the right to be called a celebrity because she gets to interview fake celebrities, like Paris Hilton or anyone from Jersey Shore.  Imagine a world where you can become a real doctor by asking questions to fake doctors! 

Roshon Fegan:  Fegan is best-known as being the son of the guy who once played a dead pimp in the hoodrat classic I'm Gonna Git You Sucka.  Roy Fegan also had a 20-second bit part in a 1993 episode of Married....With Children.  Roy went on to become a director, producer, and owner of a production company...which helps explain how Roshon Fegan got on DWTS.  To Roshon's credit, he did have a few minor roles in a couple of Disney movies, which I guess qualifies him to be a "star".

Jack Wagner:  Wagner was on the cast of General Hospital in the 1980s, which means that the last time he was relevant, gas was $1.14 a gallon, the country of Myanmar was still named Burma, and Miley Cyrus' daddy was barely old enough to drink.  Yet even then Wagner was still less-famous than Spuds Mackenzie or the old "Where's the Beef?" lady in Wendy's commercials.

Melissa Gilbert: A former child star who appeared on Little House on the Prairie.  You may remember that show... if you're a female who's at the age when your weekly grocery list contains Metamucil, your mailbox is filled with AARP brochures, and you think Wilford Brimley is a "dreamboat". 

Martina Navratilova:  By donning a skirt, he became the best women's tennis player of all time.

Donald Driver:  A four-time Pro Bowl selection, Driver is a star wide receiver.  He was part of the 2010 Super Bowl XLV champion Green Bay team.  Not bad for a guy drafted in the seventh round.  He may be a star in the world of pro sports, but I wouldn't exactly consider Donald Driver to be a household name recognized by the post-menopausal housewives who watch DWTS.

Gavin DeGraw:  DeGraw made headlines last summer after he was assaulted by a group of people in downtown New York, which tends to happen to musicians who release ear-bleedingly annoying songs like his 2005 hit "Chariot", which has become a staple of shopping malls frequented by early morning power-walking oldsters in neon-colored tracksuits.

Gladys Knight:  Gladys Knight is the biggest name of Season 14, although she has three great-grandchildren and hasn't been a bona fide "star" since the 1970s.  Nonetheless, watching a 67-year old woman jitterbug could potentially be entertaining, especially if she has a "wardrobe malfunction".

Jaleel White:  The man who made the character of Steven Urkel famous, Jaleel White dropped off the radar screen in 1998 after the cancellation of Family Matters.  "If you ever see me do that character again, take me out and put a bullet in my head and put me out of my misery," White said shortly after the show's cancellation.  Being typecast as an accordian-playing African-American nerd may lead to a scarcity of future television roles for most actors, but it eminently qualifies one to become a "star" on DWTS.

There you have it, a brief summary of all the contestants for Season 14: a couple of former child stars, a football player, a lesbian, and a bunch of people most of us thought were dead.  Kinda sounds like every season of Dancing With The Stars if you ask me.