As a gym teacher, I have had my share of first aid training. Of course, most of it was worthless because few first aid classes teach you how to treat red rover injuries or how to deal with the severely rope-burned thighs of some fat kid who wasn't man enough to climb the rope. Yet these first aid classes have taught me plenty of useful information that just may save your pathetic pencil-pushing life someday. Today I will share these valuable tips with you....if I can remember them, of course.
WHAT TO DO IF SOMEONE IS CHOKING IN A RESTAURANT
1. Find out what the victim is choking on.
2. Make sure you don't order the same dish for yourself.
3. Try dislodging the blockage by giving the victim a knee in the groin. If the victim is a woman, this method may not work, so try a punch in the stomach instead. If the victim is your wife, enjoy the few rare moments of nag-free silence before taking action (if the victim is my wife, just smile politely and walk away).
4. If the above step doesn't work, you may be able to dislodge the blockage by forcing liquid down the victim's throat. For this, you must use the proper liquid. If the victim is choking on poultry or fish, make sure you use a white wine. If the victim is choking on beef, a red wine is your best bet.
5. If the forced liquid method doesn't work, refer to the section on "What to do if someone is drowning".
HOW TO TREAT CUTS AND OPEN WOUNDS
1. Rinse the wound with water and use tweezers to remove any foreign objects from the skin. Domestic objects, of course, can stay.
2. The next step is to stop the bleeding. Study the chart below of the body's pressure points. You can stop or slow down the flow of blood to a part of the body by applying pressure to the right spot. If the victim doesn't have these tiny red dots printed on his body like on the chart, call a tattoo artist immediately. Or draw them on with a permanent marker.
3. If the wound requires stitches, find a woman. She should know how to sew. That is, if she's a real woman (and ask her to make you a sandwich while she's at it).
HOW TO TREAT FROST BITE
1. Avoid dropping the victim, as a badly frozen person could shatter if dropped.
2. Thaw out the victim. If victim is wearing metal, or has a plate in his head, I do not recommend using the microwave. Of course, if the person is really tiny (and non-metallic) I guess the microwave won't hurt. Just don't leave him in there for too long.
3. Soaking in a hot tub works wonders. It will allow you to relax while you're thinking of a way to treat the frost bite victim.
4. Drive the victim to a warmer climate, like Rio De Janeiro.
WHAT TO DO IF SOMEONE IS DROWNING
1. It's sometimes hard to identify a drowning victim, since the wild thrashing just may be their style of swimming. In order to avoid embarrassment, save your energy for those who are floating face down on the water.
2. If the victim is female, check her back for a tramp stamp tattoo. If she's a tramp she might have herpes or something, so avoid mouth to mouth.
3. If the victim is male and you are also male, avoid mouth to mouth. What kind of nancy boy puts his lips to the lips of another man? That's not only disgusting, but the Good Book says you'll also burn in hell if you do it.
4. If the victim is an unattractive woman and you are a man, avoid mouth to mouth because when she regains her senses she just might think you were trying to seduce her.
5. Come to think of it, unless you're a hot woman and the victim is a hot woman, avoid mouth to mouth altogether. Just punch the victim in the stomach, or leave him a sunny place for a few hours to dry out.
HOW TO TREAT A SNAKE BITE
1. I don't know. Punch the victim in the stomach? It seems to work for every other emergency, like choking, drowning and unwanted pregnancy.
HOW TO TREAT AN ELECTRIC SHOCK
1. What do I look like, an electrician? Call the electric company. They should know these things.
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