A study completed by the Monell Chemical Senses Center in Philadelphia has confirmed what most people have long known: Old people stink.
That's right, folks. The old person smell which assaults your nostrils when visiting grandma's house is a real biological phenomenon. However, researchers haven't been able to figure out what exactly causes this geezer-funk to take place. Well, don't worry, Science. Gus Muldoon has all the answers.
Since we all agree that old person odor is as offensive as a tap-dancing Norwegian in blackface, it's safe to assume that the odor is connected with something unpleasant. Death readily comes to mind. Put a piece of meat on a dinner plate and stick it in a room for 80 years and I guarantee it will stink. What you are smelling is the decomposition of flesh- and since old-timers already have one foot in the grave, I believe the old timer smell is simply nature's way of whispering in our ear, "Hey, gramps, just give up already. You have the eyesight of a garden mole, you can't laugh without wetting yourself, and the last time you had an erection, blacks weren't even allowed to drink out of the same water fountains as white folks."
Now, I'm no spring chicken of course, and I can tell you that old age comes with many benefits. You get to yell at children who play on the sidewalk in front of your house, you get a discount at Denny's, and you can get away with making all kinds of racist, sexist, and homophobic statements because most folks will just assume that you're senile. But the best part of old age is forgetfulness. Old age allows you to mentally erase every mistake you made in your life- visiting a Bangkok brothel during the war without penicillin, buying a Ford Pinto, and getting married, just to name a few. But the very best part of old age is forgetfulness. I'd give you some examples, but I can't seem to recall what they are.
Nonetheless, there comes a time in everyone's life when it becomes necessary to step aside and let the younger generation take over. This is scary for most old folks because, let's face it, the younger generation is full of idiots (they're the ones who elected Obama, after all). They're also a bunch of namby-pamby gutless nancies. Take away their smartphones, Facebook, GPS, and air conditioning, and they'll wither like a morning glory at high noon. Take a look at oldsters. We don't even need air conditioning. We're quite content with our oscillating electric fans.
But, alas, you can't live forever and you can't win a fistfight with Mother Nature. And that's why old people smell. When you walk into an old person's home, that distinctive odor is more than Ben Gay, cat urine, and high fiber breakfast cereal. It's the smell of Mother Nature telling us that it's time for us to kick the bucket. It's the cologne of the Grim Reaper. It's the indicator telling the world that we're ready to hand over the reins to a new generation, even if the new generation happens to be as dumb as a bucket of rocks.
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