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I Can Has Facebook Stock?



Hello kiddos!  Once again it's time for old Gus to grab his sack and answer some reader mail.  Well, reader email to be precise.....but that's still not going to stop me from grabbing my sack.
 

Dear Gus,

Facebook's much-anticipated IPO is expected this Friday.  Do you think I should invest?  Or is it smarter to hang on to my money?

turkeyofdeath@gmail.com



Wake up and smell the roses, Moses.  Is it a good idea to invest in Facebook?  Sure, if you think it's wise to throw money into a company run by a 28-year old with no business experience whose entire business model consists of fat ugly housewives posting funny pictures of cats.  Well, that's not quite true- only 75% of Facebook posts are "lolcats".  The other 25% are pictures of duck-lipped gutterskanks with a wannabe pornstar complex.


Listen up, turkey.  If you think it's a good idea to jump on the Facebook IPO bandwagon, then don't come crying to me when you lose your shirt once Facebook gets relegated to the internet has-been file, along with MySpace, Friendster, and AOL.  Once upon a time, these companies were poised for world domination, and now they are as relevant as disco.  The fact is, Facebook will be obsolete in a few years once something newer and better comes along, and the only thing your stock certificates will be good for is to line the bottom of a birdcage. 

You see, social networking sites have about as much staying power as a premature ejaculator.  Research has shown that over 100,000 users leave Facebook each month.  In other words, it's like saying to your wife, "Hey honey, let's sell our house and move to Detroit!"  If she had half a brain (and she probably doesn't if she agreed to marry you), she would have you committed at Bellvue.

Finally, let's not overlook the whole reason why companies sell stock in the first place- to raise money.  When your business model is a social networking site which is free to use, it's only a matter of time until you have to find a few million stooges to help keep the boat afloat.  That stooge, my friend, is you.  Now, I know what you're thinking- "But Gus, Facebook is more than social media.  They also own Instagram!"  Well, laaaaa de freakin' da!  I'm willing to bet my official gym teacher's whistle that you, like most folks, never even heard of Instagram until Facebook bought it.  And what's the point of Instagram anyway?  So that now, millions of fat ugly housewives can post pictures of cats which look like they were snapped with a Polaroid? 

If you still think it's a good idea to buy Facebook stock, then I have an offer of a lifetime for you- I can get you a really great deal on Zima stock, and I'll even throw in a pair of tickets for an XFL game!       

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