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Gus Answers Reader Mail



Welcome to another exciting installment of "Gus Answers Reader Mail", where I do a great service to humanity by dispensing invaluable words of wisdom to clueless sad sacks who are desperate for answers to life's little problems.  Here we go.


My son is addicted to video games.  How can I break him of his habit?

First you must ask yourself, "Hey, just who in the name of sweet baby Jesus is running this house?"  If you answered, "Why me, of course", then put on your big boy pants and law down the law like every decent parent should.  You want to break little Jimmy of his video game addiction?  Then march right into his room, unplug his X-Station or PlayBox or whatever the hell kids are playing with these days, and burn it in a trash barrel.  Don't bother hiding the gaming system, because kids these days are sneaky.  And when little Jimmy complains, bend down so that your face is an inch away from his and exclaim, "Waaaa!  You poor little sack of monkey excrement!  Want to play games?  Then get off your fat ass and go outside like a normal person.  And if you want to play video games ever again, get haircut and go get a job and when you start bringing home a paycheck then you can buy all the games you want, you spineless lily-livered sissy boy."  Could it be any simpler than that?


I'm a conservative Republican but I just proposed to my girlfriend, who is a liberal Democrat.  Do you think our marriage will be able to survive?

What kind of question is this?  Hey knucklehead, in case you haven't noticed, married people are miserable.  And if you ever see a married man with a smile on his face, it's probably because he's entertaining fantasies of boinking the sixteen year old babysitter.  As for politics, there's no way you'll ever be able to get along with a tree-hugging bum-loving bleeding heart liberal.  Therefore, if you want the marriage to work, you must brainwash your bride-to-be.  This can be done by recording several hours of Glen Beck, delicately placing earphones over her head while she sleeps, and playing back conservative talk radio in a continuous loop.  After a few weeks she'll either lose her liberal tendencies, or she will have an inexplicable urge to convert to Mormonism and buy a Sleep Number bed.


How do I decorate my home in a shabby chic style?

Who the hell do I look like?  Martha freaking Stewart?  Asking me about home interiors is like asking the pope for sex pointers.  I may not know much about interior decorating, but I have thumbed through enough of the old lady's Better Homes and Gardens while sitting on the crapper to tell you this- shabby chic is for women who like to decorate but are just too plain lazy to develop a cohesive design plan.  And since so many women are lazy these days, this explains the popularity of shabby chic.

Do you have any dieting tips?

Hey, lardass, put down the damn Twinkie!  How about that?

My husband always seems to have to work late, and when he comes home he doesn't even give me a kiss anymore.  Is he cheating on me?

Your husband's behavior doesn't necessarily indicate infidelity.  It could just be that he's no longer physically attracted to you, or that you annoy him so much that he spends as much time away from the house as possible.  But then again, he could be cheating on you.  If you want to know for sure, borrow a car and tail him home from the office.  If he stops anywhere other than a fast food joint or a gas station, he's probably cheating on you.  If he drives around aimlessly for a few hours before coming home, it just means that you annoy the bejeezus out of him.  Try being a better wife, lose a few pounds, and learn how to cook, and you probably won't have that problem. 


Got a question for Gus?  Send it to gusmuldoon@yahoo.com

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