I'm on vacation, so leave me the hell alone.

I've been getting plenty of emails lately, and not all of them are from Nigerian princes and people who want to sell me all-natural herbal penile enhancement pills. No, some of the emails are from loyal fans who have noticed that I havent updated the blog in 10 days.

Well simmer down, nancies. I'm on vacation.

Yes, that's right, even grumpy old men need a break every now and then. And if you haven't checked your calendars, it is Labor Day weekend. So go throw some weenies on the grill, grab a cold beer, and find something more productive to do than to spend your weekend putzing around on the interwebs like a sociopathic recluse with an addiction to free adult websites specializing in cross-dressing Asian midgets being sodomized by clowns.

I'll be back in a few days. Or maybe sooner, if the old ball and chain doesn't shut her yapper. "But Gus, we're here in New England, I want to go on a whale watching trip!" she's been saying all week. I didn't drive all the way to Cape Cod to plunk down my hard-earned cash in order to look at whales. I could do that at the neighborhood Walmart for free, you know.

Anyway, if you're really in the mood to get your daily dose of humor at the expense of others and can't wait until I come back from New England smelling like a rotting squid carcass (for real, folks, this place smells like dead fish), pay a visit to the Awful Dating Profiles blog.

See you soon.

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How to Deal With Having an Ugly Baby

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Is Mentally Retarded an Offensive Term?

If you've tuned into the news recently, you may have heard about the Texas high school that's now in hot water for referring to special needs students as "mentally retarded" in its 2012 yearbook. After a bunch of limp-wristed lily-livered parents got their panties in a bunch, school officials were forced to recall the yearbooks. This is just one more situation which proves what I have long believed to be true: America has turned into a nation of sad-sack pansies and wimps. The problem here is that there isn't a darn thing wrong about the term mentally retarded. It is a medically-approved term for a person with an IQ below 70 (in other words, about ten IQ points higher than the average American Idol viewer). Retarded is derived from the Latin word retardare , which means "to make slow, delay, keep back, or hinder," so mental retardation means the same as mentally delayed, and people who are "special" are, in fact, mentally hindered. An...

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