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Gus Muldoon's Month in Review

In case you've been too busy to keep up with the news this month, allow me to summarize.  There's crap going on in the Middle East, many of us are still unemployed, and two guys which no one really wants to vote for are running for president.  However, below you will find a few news headlines from September which you may have missed.



Jack White is a Bum



Bad behavior among musicians isn't anything new.  I remember being in the audience of the Lawrence Welk Show in 1959 and watching in delight as Welk took off his shoe and chucked it at the head of an oboe player who had been playing flat all evening.  Or maybe I just dreamed it.  At any rate, musical types have always been spoiled egomaniacs with objectionable grooming standards, and Jack White is the latest example.

White was performing at Radio City Music Hall on Saturday night when he decided to end his show after 45 minutes, unhappy with the venue's acoustics.  About 5,000 fans who plunked down 40 bucks for tickets to see the former White Stripes frontman were shocked.  Personally, I'm shocked that 5,000 fans would pay good money to see a guy who hasn't written anything decent since "Seven Nation Army" in 2003.  But I digress.

And here is why Jack White is a bum.  Imagine going to work in the morning, discovering that you don't like the candy selection in the break room's snack machine, and storming home after just 45 minutes on the job.  Any reasonable employer would can your diva ass!  Yet musicians get away with this type of prima donna behavior all the time.  Just once I'd like to see a record label grow a set of cajones and terminate their contracts with rock stars when they fail to perform their jobs, like any real-world employer would.  When pompous little punks who have as much talent as a meat loaf sandwich are relegated to pumping gas for a living, maybe they'll wise up and say "Hey, maybe I shouldn't have been such a whiny douchebag." 


Death of a Lotto Winner




After winning $1 million in a Michigan lotto last year, Amanda Clayton made headlines when it was revealed that she was continuing to get $200 in monthly food stamps from the state, as well as medical assistance.  Can't say I was suprised, since I've long believed that the only people who play the lottery are poor white trash.  Seriously, go to any convenience store in the morning on your way to work, and you'll be stuck for ten minutes waiting in line behind a dozen trailer park queens with five-dollar haircuts wearing pajama bottoms who are all buying lottery tickets, menthol cigarettes, and anti-fungal foot cream.

And I also can't say I was surprised that Amanda Clayton is back in the news once again- this time for being dead.  Michigan's best-known welfare fraud was found dead yesterday, and police believe that she had died of a drug overdose.  Big surprise. (What? Trashy people with criminal records never use drugs?)

Someone call up Mitt Romney because this gives me a great idea for a GOP-backed economic recovery plan.  Instead of cutting government assistance to the lazy cretins who suckle off the teat of John Q. Taxpayer, let's just award these bottom-dwellers of society a million bucks so they can buy all the bath salts, crystal meth, and heroin they'd like.  Let 'em OD and viola... we win the war on drugs and eliminate the folks who abuse the welfare system all in one fell swoop.  Sure, the government would have to give a million clams to every scum-sucker of society, but once natural selection takes over and they are all permitted to die off as a result of their own stupidity, think of the savings!    


The Dastardly Mr. Peanut Strikes Again!



In case you missed it, a while back I ranted about this asinine anti-peanut crusade mounted by a small percentage of the population who are allergic to nuts.  Well, the food Nazis are at it again- this time banning the beloved peanut butter and jelly sandwich from school lunch rooms.  That's right, folks, if you send a kid to school with a PBJ sandwich, you may as well be sending him to school armed with a bomb. 

Earlier this month, a decision made by a school in Arkansas (which is, after all, the epicenter of rational thought) to confiscate a student's PBJ sandwich sparked plenty of debate.  The school explained that they were merely enforcing its no-peanut-products policy.  Many outraged parents fought back, stating that the normal kids shouldn't have to cater to a handful of wimps who are too delicate to handle exposure to a freakin' legume.

Rather than learning how to manage their health issues like a normal level-headed human beings, the legumophobes would rather deprive the rest of us of our Skippy and Jiff.  Well here's an idea.  Let the 4% who have peanut allergies eat their damn lunches in a different room.  Let's face it, if sitting across the table from a kid with a peanut butter sandwich has the potential to send your kid to the ER, maybe your child should be living inside of a plastic bubble.

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