Gus Muldoon's Infamous Seldomly-Updated Blog

Many readers (all three of them) ask me how I come up with article ideas.  Most of the time, my ranting is the result of reading news headlines.  Unfortunately, stupidity is often so rampant in the world that it's difficult to choose a single story.  Therefore, I give you Gus Muldoon's "Month In Stupidity", so that I may give as many boneheads as possible the public shaming they so righteously deserve.  Let's take a look at this month's mental midgets. 1.  Mark Wolford Shows Us Why West Virginia Has Only Produced One Nobel Prize Winner In The Past 127 Years  June began with the funeral of Mark Wolford, a serpent-handling preacher from West Virginia who proved Darwin's theory of natural selection after he died as a result of a rattlesnake bite in late May.  Like many Pentecostal wackos residing in America's Armpit (or Appalachia, if you prefer), Wolford believed that he would be immune from harm, thanks to a Gospel passage which claims: "In...

Don't be hatin', bro! Women do not need to be told that men are fond of doing irritating things, but there are some male behaviors which are so pathetically lame that even many fellow men find them to be annoyingly asinine.  One such behavior is the excessive use of bro cabulary. Fellas, it's time to put the Bro Code to rest.  Yes, we are all aware of your desperate need to hide your homoerotic feelings behind frat-friendly man-lingo (or bro nacular, if you prefer), but much like Ted Danson's hairpiece, you're not fooling anyone. For the uninitiated, let's explore the bro phenomenon.  What is a bro, anyway?  A bro is more than just a buddy or pal.  A bro is someone who will give you the shirt the right off his back...you know, the shirt that says "Free Breathalyzer Test" with an arrow pointing to the groin.  A bro is life-long friend who would give you a shoulder to cry on, but since bros don't cry, that's a moot point.  A bro will be the...

According to the Chinese horoscope, 2012 is the Year of the Dragon.  But if there was an American horoscope, 2012 just might be known as the Year of the Mammary Gland.  Breastfeeding has been in the news quite a bit this year.  Who can forget Time Magazine's controversial (and disgusting) magazine cover from May which showed a mommy letting her nearly four-year-old son suck on her boob?  And now we've got this story in the news about two National Guardswomen who posed for a breastfeeding picture that was intended to promote August's World Breastfeeding Week.  The last time I saw so many breasts on public display, I was sitting by the stage at Big Al's Jiggly Room.  Which brings me to the point of this article, which is that there is a time and a place for women whipping out their breasts and making a public spectacle of themselves.  In a strip club, this is perfectly normal and acceptable behavior.  On the bus or on a park bench?  Not so ...

A study completed by the Monell Chemical Senses Center in Philadelphia has confirmed what most people have long known:  Old people stink. That's right, folks.  The old person smell which assaults your nostrils when visiting grandma's house is a real biological phenomenon.  However, researchers haven't been able to figure out what exactly causes this geezer-funk to take place.  Well, don't worry, Science.  Gus Muldoon has all the answers. Since we all agree that old person odor is as offensive as a tap-dancing Norwegian in blackface, it's safe to assume that the odor is connected with something unpleasant.  Death readily comes to mind.  Put a piece of meat on a dinner plate and stick it in a room for 80 years and I guarantee it will stink.  What you are smelling is the decomposition of flesh- and since old-timers already have one foot in the grave, I believe the old timer smell is simply nature's way of whispering in our ear, "Hey, gramps, jus...

If you've tuned into the news recently, you may have heard about the Texas high school that's now in hot water for referring to special needs students as "mentally retarded" in its 2012 yearbook.  After a bunch of limp-wristed lily-livered parents got their panties in a bunch, school officials were forced to recall the yearbooks.  This is just one more situation which proves what I have long believed to be true: America has turned into a nation of sad-sack pansies and wimps. The problem here is that there isn't a darn thing wrong about the term mentally retarded.  It is a medically-approved term for a person with an IQ below 70 (in other words, about ten IQ points higher than the average American Idol viewer).  Retarded is derived from the Latin word retardare , which means "to make slow, delay, keep back, or hinder," so mental retardation means the same as mentally delayed, and people who are "special" are, in fact, mentally hindered.  An...

Hello kiddos!  Once again it's time for old Gus to grab his sack and answer some reader mail.  Well, reader email to be precise.....but that's still not going to stop me from grabbing my sack.   Dear Gus, Facebook's much-anticipated IPO is expected this Friday.  Do you think I should invest?  Or is it smarter to hang on to my money? turkeyofdeath@gmail.com Wake up and smell the roses, Moses.  Is it a good idea to invest in Facebook?  Sure, if you think it's wise to throw money into a company run by a 28-year old with no business experience whose entire business model consists of fat ugly housewives posting funny pictures of cats.  Well, that's not quite true- only 75% of Facebook posts are "lolcats".  The other 25% are pictures of duck-lipped gutterskanks with a wannabe pornstar complex. Listen up, turkey.  If you think it's a good idea to jump on the Facebook IPO bandwagon, then don't come crying to me when you lose your...

As a gym teacher, I have had my share of first aid training. Of course, most of it was worthless because few first aid classes teach you how to treat red rover injuries or how to deal with the severely rope-burned thighs of some fat kid who wasn't man enough to climb the rope. Yet these first aid classes have taught me plenty of useful information that just may save your pathetic pencil-pushing life someday. Today I will share these valuable tips with you....if I can remember them, of course. WHAT TO DO IF SOMEONE IS CHOKING IN A RESTAURANT 1. Find out what the victim is choking on. 2. Make sure you don't order the same dish for yourself. 3. Try dislodging the blockage by giving the victim a knee in the groin. If the victim is a woman, this method may not work, so try a punch in the stomach instead. If the victim is your wife, enjoy the few rare moments of nag-free silence before taking action (if the victim is my wife, just smile politely and walk away). 4. If t...