Gus Muldoon's Infamous Seldomly-Updated Blog

As 2011 comes to a close and we edge ever closer to the apocalypse, it's time to reflect upon the previous year and pay homage to the dimwitted lamebrains who deserve consideration for my Idiot of the Year Award. Timothy Geithner : The man who woke you up before you could have your American dream As Secretary of the Treasury, Geithner has the ability to impact the American economy more than any other public figure.  Unfortunately, the impact Geithner has had on the economy is the same type of impact strychnine has on rats.  Under Geithner's leadership, America's credit rating was downgraded for the first time in history, leading many economists to believe that we are facing a double-dip recession.  Thanks to this contender, millions of young Americans will grow up believing that the American Dream consists of renting a studio apartment, living on ramen noodles, landing a full-time job, and driving a used Hyundai. Rioting Vancouver Fans: You folks put the "duh...

Sweet Jiminy Crickets!  What ever happened to truth in advertising?  I'm talking about holiday commercials.  Specifically, commercials made by luxury car manufacturers.  You know the type.  A clean-cut 30-something man in a sweater leads his trophy wife outside to the driveway with a hand over her eyes, and when he removes his hand there's a shiny new Lexus or Volvo sitting in the driveway with a big red bow on top. Now, I've been living on this God-forsaken mudball called Earth for over sixty years and that means I've celebrated over sixty Christmases, but never once have I ever given or received a luxury automobile for the holidays. If there's one thing that really wangs my chung, it's television commercials that are totally unbelievable.  Take the commercial for the Snuggie, for instance, which shows a roomful of grown men enjoying a football game while wearing a hooded fleece blanket contraption that's as stylish as my sister-in-law's leopard-pr...

For those of you who live in a cave (or a third-world country) and haven't yet mastered the fine art of using the Internet to upload webcam pictures of your ding-dong for the whole world to see, Captcha is the system used by websites that was designed to discourage spammers by requiring a person to enter a series of numbers and letters into a tiny box. After pressing "enter", you will then be informed that you entered the wrong text and will be presented with a whole new series of squiggles, which you must correctly enter into the box if you want to proceed. The jackhole behind this nuisance is a 32 year-old nerd by the name of Luis Ahn, who undoubtedly decided that since he couldn't get a date on a Saturday night, he would stay home and devise a malicious plot to complicate the lives of millions of people by subjecting them to a diabolical optometry examination. This post-pubescent pansy has gone on to make quite a name for himself. Discover Magazine named ...

If women's magazines have taught me anything, it's that women love taking quizzes. Unfortunately, most of these quizzes and surveys fail to tell you anything about yourself that you don't already know. This quiz, on the other hand, will determine whether or not you are white trash. Have fun! 1. How many tattoos do you have? a) 0 b) Just one tiny one c) 2-4 d) 5 or more 2. From the following list, choose your favorite fashion brand: a) Versace b) Abercrombie and Fitch c) Ed Hardy/ Christian Audigier d) I don't give a hoot about brand names 3. You just received a 100.00 gift certificate to your local mall. Which store do you visit first? a) Borders, Barnes and Noble, other bookstore b) Hollister c) Bath and Body Works d) Hot Topic 4. From the following list, which band would you most prefer to listen to? a) Beatles b) Green Day c) Nickelback d) Bon Jovi 5. It's girls night out, where do you and your friends go first? a) to t...

I've seen some disturbing things in my life.  I watched a mortar shell blow a hole the size of softball in my buddy's head in Korea.  As a gym teacher I watched a fat kid lose his grip while climbing the rope, causing him to slide all the way to the ground, resulting in a rope burn that made his chubby thighs look like ground hamburger.  I've seen men die, I've seen freakish injuries.  I even watched a Sara Jessica Parker movie once.  But nothing is more disturbing, in my opinion, as children's beauty pageants. Sweet fancy Moses, if you think that it's normal to dress up your five year-old like a dadgummed hooker, then you need to have your head examined.  And not just any shrink will do, my friend.  You need one of them fellas with the white pointy beards from Vienna.  You need the kind of headshrinking that can only be accomplished by a jungle witchdoctor from Borneo. No, it's not the children themselves who are creepy (they only look creepy...

Earlier today I took my five year-old grandson to the local playground and was looking forward to showing him how to climb on the monkeybars.  I was aghast when I discovered that the monkeybars had been taken down years before, all because some kid fell and cracked open his noggin like a ripened coconut.  Maybe children these days have softer heads, I don't know. When I was a boy I had climbed all over the monkeybars and fell numerous times, and I turned out just fine.  These days, parents coddle their kids so much that if they get a scraped knee they get taken to the emergency room for a full battery of tests.  If this continues, in a few years our nation will become one inhabited by a bunch of sissies. You see, kids need to grow up believing that they are strong enough to handle all of life's hardships.  Kids need to be made aware that mama's not always going to be around to kiss their boo boos. Fortunately, my parents were keenly aware of this and they ...

Dear Gus, Last year my favorite aunt died after a long battle with breast cancer.  She was like a mother to me, and I miss her very much.  I am considering getting a tattoo as a tribute.  Since dolphins were her favorite animals I'm considering maybe a dolphin on my ankle.  What do you think? If I was your aunt I'd be rolling over in my grave. There are many ways you can make your aunt proud, like becoming successful in your career or devoting your time to helping others (just like what I do). Permanently disfiguring your body with a tacky drawing of a fish on your stinky foot ain't going to make her proud. If anything, it will probably piss her off from beyond the grave.  I'll never understand why so many young people think that tattoos are so great. Back in the late 90s my nineteen year-old son come home with a tattoo, some God-awful tribal design on his arm. I told him that if he wanted to pretend he was a jungle-bunny from New Guinea then I was goin...

Do you dread having the "talk" with your kid?  You know the one I mean.  I'm referring to that special moment when you explain to little Johnny or Suzie how babies are made.  Well, buck up and put your big boy pants on, Nancy. There's not much to it, to be honest.  My daddy didn't waste his time giving me a flowery speech about feelings and intimacy and romance and all that gobbledegook.  He simply came into my bedroom one day and dropped a stack of Playboy magazines onto the bed and said, "Here. These will tell you all you need to know."  And, by gum, he was right! Of course, this same method doesn't work on daughters.  As a father, you hope that your son will grow up sowing his seed like an Amish farmer on a cocaine binge.  Daughters, on the other hand, are a different story.  You don't want them associating with boys like the kind of boy you want your son to become. In order to instill a fear of sex into your daughter, the best thi...

Recently I had the pleasure of attending a redneck wedding. Now, I've always been a traditional kind of guy who believes that weddings should be held inside of a church, as the Good Lord intended, and not in the middle of a cow pasture. Nonetheless, I attended the ceremony, in which everyone involved chose to wear camouflage. Everything was going fine until I met the best man, who happened to be Asian. It must have brought back some long-suppressed memories of my time in Vietnam, because I freaked out and chased him through the cow pasture with a shish kebab skewer, which I planned in jamming under his fingernails. Revenge is a dish best served cold, after all. Which brings me to the point of today's Gus Muldoon sermon. Is a redneck wedding appropriate? The answer isn't no. It's hell no. And here's why, dip-wad. Back when decent God-fearing folks got married in a church, the divorce rate was low. Nowadays people are making a mockery out of marriage by getting...

Cliches, much like stereotypes, are always based on a grain of truth (something scientists like to call "empirical generalizations"), and there are few things in the world of Cyberspace as cliched as the typical user profile of an online dating website. If America had a dollar for every member of a dating site who claims to be a sucker for romantic dinners and long walks on the beach, we'd be out of this recession in a jiffy. It seems that very few people these days have interesting lives. Unless they're just keeping their real hobbies and interests secret. Why do I say this? Well, take a look for yourself. As I sit here writing this rant and viewing the profiles of female users on a popular dating website, I've come across the following things listed as "favorite activities" on numerous profiles: 1. Having fun. Wow! You like to have fun? Me too! Well how do you like that, we must be soulmates! Listing "having fun" or "having a good...