Sweet Jiminy Crickets! What ever happened to truth in advertising? I'm talking about holiday commercials. Specifically, commercials made by luxury car manufacturers. You know the type. A clean-cut 30-something man in a sweater leads his trophy wife outside to the driveway with a hand over her eyes, and when he removes his hand there's a shiny new Lexus or Volvo sitting in the driveway with a big red bow on top.
Now, I've been living on this God-forsaken mudball called Earth for over sixty years and that means I've celebrated over sixty Christmases, but never once have I ever given or received a luxury automobile for the holidays.
If there's one thing that really wangs my chung, it's television commercials that are totally unbelievable. Take the commercial for the Snuggie, for instance, which shows a roomful of grown men enjoying a football game while wearing a hooded fleece blanket contraption that's as stylish as my sister-in-law's leopard-print Spandex hotpants. If the good folks at Snuggie Worldwide wanted to show real-life vignettes of the people who wear their products, they would be showing some morbidly obese sad-sack standing in line at the local 7-11 purchasing two hundred dollars worth of scratch-off lottery tickets. Or my sister-in-law.
Which brings us back to holiday commercials for luxury cars. It's ridiculous to think that automotive vehicles are commonly-purchased holiday gift items. It's deceptive advertising intended to make men look bad in the eyes of women, who watch the commercial and then say, "Hey, honey, how come you never bought me an Audi for Christmas?" The commercial is intended to lead women into believing that every decent hard-working man rewards his wife with a luxury car. Well, if you're a woman who believes that, keep dreaming, Sally.
Your husband doesn't need to reward you with a car because he rewards you with tiny gifts all year long. Like that pile of dirty laundry. Or those dirty dishes in the sink. As a woman, you should feel honored that your husband admires your pitiable housekeeping abilities enough to bestow such gifts upon you. And the bigger the pile of soiled underpants and socks, the more he cares. So stop being such a selfish materialistic whiner and learn to appreciate what you've got. What you've got, Missy, is a whole bunch of housework to keep up with. And while you're at it, make your husband a sandwich.
My wife adores these little gifts and gestures because she is a sweet and sentimental woman. She knows that I trust her ability to get the skidmark stains out of my boxers, and that's why I give her the honor of laundering my undershorts. If I'm really feeling generous I'll pee all over the toilet seat, because I know how much joy she gets from maintaining a clean bathroom. If I cleaned the bathroom myself, it would deprive her of that joy, and that would be just plain wrong.
And women have the gall to say that men are not romantic. Ha! You're not a romantic person if you prefer a store-bought bauble to a thoughtful gesture, and few things are as thoughtful as sink full of dirty dishes. It doesn't mean that your husband is lazy, it simply means that he likes your cooking. If you weren't such a shallow materialistic nit-wit, you would realize that. You would feel honored and loved in a way that cannot be shown with a 2011 Lexus sedan.
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