How To Teach Your Child About The Birds And The Bees

Do you dread having the "talk" with your kid?  You know the one I mean.  I'm referring to that special moment when you explain to little Johnny or Suzie how babies are made.  Well, buck up and put your big boy pants on, Nancy.

There's not much to it, to be honest. 

My daddy didn't waste his time giving me a flowery speech about feelings and intimacy and romance and all that gobbledegook.  He simply came into my bedroom one day and dropped a stack of Playboy magazines onto the bed and said, "Here. These will tell you all you need to know."  And, by gum, he was right!

Of course, this same method doesn't work on daughters.  As a father, you hope that your son will grow up sowing his seed like an Amish farmer on a cocaine binge.  Daughters, on the other hand, are a different story.  You don't want them associating with boys like the kind of boy you want your son to become.

In order to instill a fear of sex into your daughter, the best thing you can do is take her out to a barnyard and show her how animals show their affection for one another.  For best results, find a well-hung horse and point out his manhood to little Suzie.  When the horses begin to do their thing, your daughter will ask, "Isn't the boy pony hurting the girl pony?"  And you will reply, "Yes.  Very Much.  And that is why you should never, ever, ever do what they are doing."

Will this experience emotionally scar Suzie?  Hopefully.  That, after all, is the entire point.