Sweet Fancy Moses, That's Creepy!

I've seen some disturbing things in my life.  I watched a mortar shell blow a hole the size of softball in my buddy's head in Korea.  As a gym teacher I watched a fat kid lose his grip while climbing the rope, causing him to slide all the way to the ground, resulting in a rope burn that made his chubby thighs look like ground hamburger.  I've seen men die, I've seen freakish injuries.  I even watched a Sara Jessica Parker movie once.  But nothing is more disturbing, in my opinion, as children's beauty pageants.

Sweet fancy Moses, if you think that it's normal to dress up your five year-old like a dadgummed hooker, then you need to have your head examined.  And not just any shrink will do, my friend.  You need one of them fellas with the white pointy beards from Vienna.  You need the kind of headshrinking that can only be accomplished by a jungle witchdoctor from Borneo.

No, it's not the children themselves who are creepy (they only look creepy).  The real creeps are the mothers who think they can attain their own long-dead childhood dreams of stardom by dressing little Suzy in a sequined thong and putting more paint on her face than an Apache brave on the warpath. 

You will never be able to live vicariously through your child if your one dream in life was to become a beauty pageant winner.  If you're a forty-two year old frizzy-haired troll living in a trailer park in Nebraska, wake up and smell the coffee, sister.  That ship has long sailed, and it ain't coming back.  Dressing your daughter up like a flusie isn't going to bring that ship back to port any more than tying a cape around your son's neck will make you a superhero.

As a mother, the message you should be instilling into your child's soft impressionable head is that judging people based on their appearance is wrong.  It's un-American. Instead, teach your child to judge others on more important things, such as their income, level of education, race, and religion.

If you keep up this sick, twisted form of child abuse, little Suzy isn't going to grow up to be a celebrity or a movie star.  She's going to grow up with a serious mental imbalance, desperately in need of some hardcore psychoanalysis.  Hopefully she'll be able to pawn her tiara for enough money to pay for a prescription for Xanax.