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Is a Redneck Wedding Inappropriate? Does the Pope Wear a Funny Hat?


Recently I had the pleasure of attending a redneck wedding. Now, I've always been a traditional kind of guy who believes that weddings should be held inside of a church, as the Good Lord intended, and not in the middle of a cow pasture. Nonetheless, I attended the ceremony, in which everyone involved chose to wear camouflage. Everything was going fine until I met the best man, who happened to be Asian. It must have brought back some long-suppressed memories of my time in Vietnam, because I freaked out and chased him through the cow pasture with a shish kebab skewer, which I planned in jamming under his fingernails. Revenge is a dish best served cold, after all. Which brings me to the point of today's Gus Muldoon sermon.

Is a redneck wedding appropriate?

The answer isn't no. It's hell no. And here's why, dip-wad. Back when decent God-fearing folks got married in a church, the divorce rate was low. Nowadays people are making a mockery out of marriage by getting hitched in all sorts of places, from beaches and forests to hot air balloons. And the divorce rate is through the roof! Coincidence?

Sure, a redneck wedding is much cheaper than a traditional wedding, as most rednecks don't have two nickels to rub together... and when they do, they usually piss it all away on cheap tattoos, lottery tickets and chewing tobacco. No need for a 1,500.00 dress; just put on a pair of overalls and mosey your behind up to the makeshift altar made out of the rusted carcass of a 1982 Ford Mustang. Instead of the wedding march, you can have one of your friends blast your favorite Travis Tritt song from a portable cassette player. And why waste money serving fancy food at a reception when you can just put out an assortment of Oscar Meyer Lunchables on your favorite Nascar commemorative plate?

Anyone who takes the vows of marriage seriously should also take the ceremony seriously. If you think it's perfectly hunky dory to bring a John Deere tractor into the equation, then I'm afraid it won't be long before your marriage turns to mush, like a cowpie left in the rain. Let's be honest-- a redneck wedding is a bad decision. Since you and your future spouse mutually agreed to it, it proves one thing...that both of you are incapable of making responsible decisions, which is all the more reason why you probably shouldn't even be getting married in the first place.

If you want to embrace the redneck lifestyle, it's your God-given right to do so. But just because you have the right to do something, that doesn't mean that you should do it. Hell, I have the right to smack myself in the scrotum with a sock full of pennies but that doesn't mean it's a good decision. You have the rest of your life to live the redneck lifestyle, so why not treat the most important day in your life with a little bit of respect?
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Comments

  1. ¥October 18, 2012 at 10:44 PM

    Dear mister Gus, Pardon me for my rudeness, my parents brought me up to respect my elders. But in all reality you’re an idiot. The divorce rate is high due to there being significant progress in divorce reform making it easier and fairer to obtain. Not only has divorce become more socially acceptable, but divorce laws have also changed to provide more equitable resolution for many since the late 1960s (which I’m going to assume is where your belief system stems from) The amendment to the Divorce Act to permit the reason for divorce as no-fault (in other words, no-blame divorce) has radically altered the factors influencing the decision to divorce. It appears that changing attitudes towards relationships and marriage have impacted the divorce rate over the last 50 years People who find it easier to walk away from a marriage then it is to work through. It has nothing to do whether it’s in a church or not. People as far back as Victorian ages were never married in a church, which was reserved for Royalty and the wealthy. People actually got married on their farms, with close family, a celebration in the joining of families among other things. That being said, you should quite possibly stop labelling and get with the twenty first century it’s not 1957 anymore Gus
    Sincerely
    REDNECK BETTY

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