Gus Muldoon's Infamous Seldomly-Updated Blog

The words "etiquette" and "all-you-can-eat buffet" are seldom used in the same sentence (much like the words "West Virginia" and "high school diploma"), and anyone who frequents these dining establishments knows that during busy times, walking up to a buffet is like stepping onto a roller derby rink. Elbows and expletives fly, and any semblance of class and etiquette is tossed into the dumpster like so many day-old eggrolls. Practicing good etiquette at all-you-can-eat buffets is necessary if you want to differentiate yourself from the maddening throngs of wildebeests heaping an entire week's worth of calories onto a single plate. Following these tips will certainly help. 1. Always use a clean plate for each trip you make to the buffet. After you have cleared your plate, set it aside and someone will come along shortly to take it away. Yes, they really will. 2. Always escort your children to the buffet. We all love children (especially pe...

"I want my guns!" "And I want to live to see my seventh birthday, douchebag." "We need our guns to defend our precious property! Sorry, kid." "We wouldn't have this problem if we allowed Jesus in the classroom." "We're on it!" "Oy vey! Maybe I should just destroy the world and start over." "Told you so!"

I've never been one to support government interference in our lives, but after today's school shooting in Connecticut, just days after a mall shooting in Oregon which left two people dead, I've come to the conclusion that America needs a nationwide ban on guns.  And I don't mean just assault rifles, I mean every gun. Period. I believe that society, as a whole, has demonstrated time and time again that we are simply too stupid to be granted the right of gun ownership.  And I'm not talking about gun violence perpetrated by those using illegal guns, but mass shootings which came about as the result of some disturbed individual using firearms that were legally purchased.  While this may ruffle the feathers of you NRA-loving right-wingers, the bottom line is that we cannot as a society bear the loss of more innocent lives just because some hillbilly couldn't figure out how to lock up his gun collection.  That's right, folks- while the Constitution may grant y...

Steven Tyler, the frontman of the iconic band Aerosmith, was forced to apologize this week after some garish freak whose only discernible talent is looking like a transgendered hooker took offense to a comment which she deemed as 'racist'.  That talentless transgendered hooker, of course, is Nicki Minaj. The controversy began when Tyler, a former American Idol judge, told an MTV interviewer that the legendary Bob Dylan would probably be voted off this year's show.  Of course, that's pure speculation, since Bob Dylan probably has as much interest in American Idol as Casey Anthony has in motherhood. Tyler's comments did not sit well with Minaj who, along with Mariah Carey and Keith Urban, will have the dubious honor of judging 'talent' on the newest season of the show.  How's that for humor?  Minaj judging talent.  That's kinda like letting the Pope judge a wet t-shirt contest (the Pope, by the way, has a wider vocal range than Minaj and is a much ...

I'll admit it- I hate babies.  But if there's anything I hate more than babies, it's expectant mothers who assume that everyone else on Earth is as enamored with each disgusting pregnancy development as they are themselves.  Thanks to the wonders of technology, a new app called BabyBump allows obnoxious, self-absorbed mommies-to-be an opportunity to annoy the hell out of their Facebook friends with daily posts about the parasitic hellspawns growing inside their tummies.  And let's face it, you have to be pretty darn self-absorbed to think that anyone other than yourself gives a rat's fart in the wind about what's taking place inside your bloated body 173 days into your pregnancy. According to the BabyBump website, the app is a "pregnancy tracker and social health network for expecting families", providing expecting mothers with a "schematic embryo picture of your baby each week" as well as a bunch of useless junk only a woman would care ...

Once again it's the eve of another presidential election, and while millions of Americans will cast their votes for Romney or Obama tomorrow, millions of Americans, unimpressed by either candidate, will remain as unmotivated as a tree sloth on trazodone.  Some folks might even be contemplating throwing their vote away altogether by voting for a third party candidate. Of course, it's beyond me why anyone would vote for a third party candidate in a presidential election.  To me, nothing sounds more pointless than waking up early in the morning and standing in line for hours in order to cast a vote for a person who has about as much of a chance of being elected to the presidency as the mentally-impaired person who wrangles shopping carts in the Walmart parking lot.  However, if you're contemplating exercising your constitutional right to be a moron by voting for a third party candidate, I've made life easier for you (and let's face it, if you're going to suppor...

It's late October and by now we're all sick and tired of the color pink. I'm sure there are even breast cancer patients out there who are probably screaming, "Enough already with breast cancer awareness! Of course I'm aware of breast cancer. I have it, you moron!" If these folks had any hair, they'd probably be pulling it out. All month long we are ambushed with ads from companies hellbent on exploiting our inner do-gooder, promising to donate a portion of their profits to breast cancer research every time some mindless schmuck with a heart of gold purchases an everyday product which has been packaged in a special pink wrapper.  Sadly, all the hoopla that goes along with saving the ta-tas steals much-needed attention away from other worthy causes. For instance, October is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month, as well as National Down Syndrome Awareness Month. October 29 is also World Psoriasis Day. While you may feel like giving yourself a pat on ...

Today I'd like to shine the spotlight on a person who I feel truly deserves a good ol' pat on the back from Gus Muldoon.  Her name is Debra Johnson, a 43 year old North Carolina woman who is currently facing two felony charges for striking a blow against corporate greed. On Saturday, Johnson stuck it to the stuffed shirt bigwigs in the soft drink cabal by setting a soda machine on fire after the machine refused to dispense a soda or give her a refund.  Finally!  A real-life hero we can all relate to.  While Ms. Johnson faces two felony counts for her actions, in my eyes she is nothing less than a modern-day Robin Hood. We've all been there before, and can identify with Debra Johnson's frustrations.  We've all popped quarters and dimes into vending machines, only to have our hard-earned money stolen by the snack and soft drink fat cats.  We've all had a wrinkly dollar bill rejected repeatedly, like a fat kid looking for a prom date.  And how many ti...

In case you've been too busy to keep up with the news this month, allow me to summarize.  There's crap going on in the Middle East, many of us are still unemployed, and two guys which no one really wants to vote for are running for president.  However, below you will find a few news headlines from September which you may have missed. Jack White is a Bum Bad behavior among musicians isn't anything new.  I remember being in the audience of the Lawrence Welk Show in 1959 and watching in delight as Welk took off his shoe and chucked it at the head of an oboe player who had been playing flat all evening.  Or maybe I just dreamed it.  At any rate, musical types have always been spoiled egomaniacs with objectionable grooming standards, and Jack White is the latest example. White was performing at Radio City Music Hall on Saturday night when he decided to end his show after 45 minutes, unhappy with the venue's acoustics.  About 5,000 fans who plunked down 40...

I try to no longer pay attention to the news, mainly because hearing about the latest evidence of society's mind-numbing stupidity usually raises my blood pressure to severely unhealthy levels.  However, I could not escape the circus freakshow which took place this past few weeks in Chicago.  I'm talking about the teacher's strike, of course. Now, for those of you who haven't kept up with the story, here's the scoop in a nutshell.  Chicago is home of some of America's worst-educated children (roughly 40% of the students don't even graduate).  The teachers, who are already getting paid $76,000 a year (plus benefits), decided that they deserved more money for doing such pitiable work.  There was also the fear that once Chicago closed down some of the city's worst schools, many teachers would find themselves out of a job.  The teachers are opposed to the concept that their salary increases and job security should be tied to student test scores and aca...

Welcome to another exciting installment of "Gus Answers Reader Mail", where I do a great service to humanity by dispensing invaluable words of wisdom to clueless sad sacks who are desperate for answers to life's little problems.  Here we go. My son is addicted to video games.  How can I break him of his habit? First you must ask yourself, "Hey, just who in the name of sweet baby Jesus is running this house?"  If you answered, "Why me, of course", then put on your big boy pants and law down the law like every decent parent should.  You want to break little Jimmy of his video game addiction?  Then march right into his room, unplug his X-Station or PlayBox or whatever the hell kids are playing with these days, and burn it in a trash barrel.  Don't bother hiding the gaming system, because kids these days are sneaky.  And when little Jimmy complains, bend down so that your face is an inch away from his and exclaim, "Waaaa!  You poor little...

I've been getting plenty of emails lately, and not all of them are from Nigerian princes and people who want to sell me all-natural herbal penile enhancement pills.  No, some of the emails are from loyal fans who have noticed that I havent updated the blog in 10 days.  Well simmer down, nancies.  I'm on vacation. Yes, that's right, even grumpy old men need a break every now and then.  And if you haven't checked your calendars, it is Labor Day weekend.  So go throw some weenies on the grill, grab a cold beer, and find something more productive to do than to spend your weekend putzing around on the interwebs like a sociopathic recluse with an addiction to free adult websites specializing in cross-dressing Asian midgets being sodomized by clowns. I'll be back in a few days.  Or maybe sooner, if the old ball and chain doesn't shut her yapper.  "But Gus, we're here in New England, I want to go on a whale watching trip!" she's been saying all w...

This week, Missouri Republican Todd Akin drew ire from liberals and conservatives alike as a result of a comment he made in a recent interview, in which he stated that pregnancy from rape is "really rare".  Akin added: "If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."  Naturally, all heck broke loose and many prominent GOPers are calling for Akin to withdraw from the Missouri Senate race.  Even those pesky Tea Baggers are insisting that Akin went too far. Akin's comments have set the Twittersphere afire, arousing the vitriol of every vaginocentric liberal from Maine to Alaska.  Laura Helmuth, of Slate.com , stated that Akin's worldview is "sexist, blame-shifting, and profoundly ignorant".  Gloria Allred called Akin "a national disgrace".  Nicole Belle, the celebrated GOP-bashing femi-Nazi blogger, proclaimed: "WTF???? I really am beginning to feel strongly that men who have not a sing...

I don't know about you, but I'm getting pretty sick and tired of hearing about this alleged "wage gap" between genders.  Now, I'm not arguing the fact that women get paid less than men.  This has been proven to be true in survey after survey.  No, what really burns my britches is the incessant whining by women about how they deserve to be paid the same as men.  I hate to burst your bubbles, ladies, but here's what it all boils down to- don't expect to get paid the same as a man until you get off your lazy behinds and start working like a man.  Feminists like to point to Bureau of Labor Statistics, which state that full-time working women earn, on average, about 19% less than their male counterparts.  Yet these same women fail to mention the Department of Labor's Time Use Survey, which compares two similar employees of different genders, working in the same field, and performing the same work for the same number of hours.  According to this survey (...

I don't know about you, but I'm getting pretty darn sick and tired of all of this breast cancer awareness bullcrap.  Is there anyone out there who's not aware of breast cancer?  I find it hard to believe that some schmuck in Ashtabula is being handed a pink ribbon at this very moment and exclaiming, "Why, I never knew that women could get cancer in their boobies!"  But what really flips my jib is all of these 5Ks and marathons and mini-marathons and half-marathons, all with tongue-in-cheek names like the Ta-Ta Trot or the Jog for Jugs.  What's next?  The Million Melon March? My friends, if you believe that power-walking around the track of a middle-school stadium in your yoga pants is going to save lives, then you're about as bright as a mineshaft at midnight.  Think about it.  In any given town in any given year, there are a few dozen of these feelgood fun runs designed to raise money in order to find a cure for breast cancer.  For $25 a pop,...

How I long for the good old days, when gas pumps were hand-cranked and the fueling process only took about an hour or two.  Granted, those days took place long before most of you were born, but believe me when I say that the process of getting gas took less time than it does today with these computerized high-tech pumps. Here's what I mean.  You pull up to the pump, slide your credit or debit card through, and you are instantly bombarded with questions asked by the pump.  Would you like a receipt?  Yes or No. "No" Do you have a rewards card?  Yes or No. "No", you mutter angrily. Do you want a rewards card?  Yes or no. "No." Would you like a car wash?  Yes or No. "A car wash?" you ask.  "It's pouring down rain, and all I want is five bucks worth of gas." Would you like to try one of our new six-inch subs?  Yes or No. "No!  For Pete's sake, I just want gas!" Please enter your zip code. "Zip code?  What does a...

Yesterday, journalist Anderson Cooper announced he was gay, much to the surprise of absolutely no one.  In typical Hollywood fashion, his revelation was touted as a tremendous act of bravery by the likes of Ellen Degenerate, Kathy Griffin, Kelly Ripa, and other folks whose idea of bravery is going into Starbucks and ordering their own lattes, instead of having an intern or personal assistant do it for them.  Thanks to Mr. Cooper, I too have decided to come out of the closet.  Therefore, I would like to take this opportunity to formally announce that I, Gus Muldoon, am completely heterosexual. Please, hold your applause to the end, ladies and gentlemen.  I'm aware that publicly proclaiming my sexual identity was a very brave and courageous thing to do, and I wholly expect the Twitterverse to explode as a result of my coming out.  And it should, because let's face it: This makes me the biggest American hero since that airline pilot who crash-landed a jumbo jet...

June has been like a vine ripe with idiots, and stupidity was so rampant this month that I had to devote not one, but two columns to the topic.  Last week I profiled five mental midgets who should've been wiped out by natural selection long ago, and this week I'll shine the spotlight on five more.  So without further ado, I give you Gus Muldoon's Month in Stupidity, Volume 2. 1. Oliver Stone is a limp-wristed lily-livered sack of squirrel scrotums This week, filmmaker Oliver Stone appeared on CBS This Morning in order to promote his new film, and in the process confessed that he was a doobie-smoking Commie.  While extolling the virtues of being a pot-head, Stone reminisced about his days fighting in Vietnam, stating:  “[Using marijuana] made the difference between staying human or, as Michael Douglas said, becoming a beast. I’m telling you, it’s rough and a lot of people in that platoon used it, not on the front line but in the back, to stay in touch with themse...