Yesterday, journalist Anderson Cooper announced he was gay, much to the surprise of absolutely no one. In typical Hollywood fashion, his revelation was touted as a tremendous act of bravery by the likes of Ellen Degenerate, Kathy Griffin, Kelly Ripa, and other folks whose idea of bravery is going into Starbucks and ordering their own lattes, instead of having an intern or personal assistant do it for them. Thanks to Mr. Cooper, I too have decided to come out of the closet. Therefore, I would like to take this opportunity to formally announce that I, Gus Muldoon, am completely heterosexual. Please, hold your applause to the end, ladies and gentlemen. I'm aware that publicly proclaiming my sexual identity was a very brave and courageous thing to do, and I wholly expect the Twitterverse to explode as a result of my coming out. And it should, because let's face it: This makes me the biggest American hero since that airline pilot who crash-landed a jumbo jet...