Gus Muldoon's Infamous Seldomly-Updated Blog

"I want my guns!" "And I want to live to see my seventh birthday, douchebag." "We need our guns to defend our precious property! Sorry, kid." "We wouldn't have this problem if we allowed Jesus in the classroom." "We're on it!" "Oy vey! Maybe I should just destroy the world and start over." "Told you so!"

Many readers (all three of them) ask me how I come up with article ideas.  Most of the time, my ranting is the result of reading news headlines.  Unfortunately, stupidity is often so rampant in the world that it's difficult to choose a single story.  Therefore, I give you Gus Muldoon's "Month In Stupidity", so that I may give as many boneheads as possible the public shaming they so righteously deserve.  Let's take a look at this month's mental midgets. 1.  Mark Wolford Shows Us Why West Virginia Has Only Produced One Nobel Prize Winner In The Past 127 Years  June began with the funeral of Mark Wolford, a serpent-handling preacher from West Virginia who proved Darwin's theory of natural selection after he died as a result of a rattlesnake bite in late May.  Like many Pentecostal wackos residing in America's Armpit (or Appalachia, if you prefer), Wolford believed that he would be immune from harm, thanks to a Gospel passage which claims: "In...

After pouring myself a bowl of Lucky Charms the other day, I made a most disturbing discovery.  Staring into my bowl, I couldn't help but notice that the cereal bits are ambiguously shaped like Christian symbols.  If you don't believe me, pour a bowl for yourself.  Intermingled with the colorful marshmallow bits you'll find cereal pieces shaped like crosses , church bells , and... Jesus fish ! Yes, folks, it appears as though the Christians have devised a nefarious plot to spread their magically delicious message of love and forgiveness by way of sneaky subliminal advertising.  And what an ingenious plan it is!  You see, it would've been entirely too obvious to make Christian symbols out of the brightly-colored marshmallows, but no one ever pays attention to the pieces of cereal that look like dry cat food. And that's how subliminal messages work.  Without subliminal advertising, the religious right's marketing campaign targeting children may have looked...

For God so loved the world that in Denver's playoff win over Pittsburgh, He made Tim Tebow rack up 316 passing yards. A truly miraculous stat, since Tebow has become the official poster child for religious kooks. Tebow's cult-like following has given rise to a whole new cottage industry: analyzing the offensive stats of mediocre quarterbacks. Forget about trying to crack the Bible Code (that's so 2011). The truly enlightened know where to go for prophetic revelations of Biblical proportions, and that place is the sports page. Now, for all of you godless liberal heathens who think the only thing the pages of the Bible are good for is rolling a big fat doobie, let me explain the hubbub about 3:16. It's the famous passage from the book of John which states, "For God so loved the world that he gave us football of Sundays," or something to that extent. That's why you commonly see a John 3:16 sign being held up in the stadium bleachers by a half-naked ...