Gus Muldoon's Infamous Seldomly-Updated Blog

As a service to my faithful readers (both of you), I've decided to invent something I like to call the Perpetual TV Guide.  Any day of the week, any month of the year, simply check these listings and you'll be surprised just how accurate my TV Guide is.  In fact, 65% of research has shown that 95% of my TV Guide is accurate 92% of the time! Here's what's on: CSPAN- an old white guy speaking from a podium CSPAN2- a woman of some minority group speaking from a podium. ESPN- SportsCenter ESPN2- a sport which you don't care much about. ESPN Classic- a college football game from 1998 re-mastered so that it looks vintage and grainy and makes you feel a lot older than you really are. HALLMARK CHANNEL-  A Hallmark Original Movie about a woman who struggles to rebuild her life while baking gourmet cupcakes, followed by The Golden Girls . LIFETIME- Twelve straight hours of The Golden Girls , followed by a Lifetime Original Movie about a woman who overcomes...

Maybe I'm just getting old, but it seems to me that television is beginning to look more and more like a giant landfill overflowing with trash...and I'm not even talking about the Kardashians or the guys from Jersey Shore.  I'm talking about shows like Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant - shows which somehow manage to glamorize the world of welfare-dependent white trash trollops and the underemployed hillbilly douchebags who love them. If you don't believe me that these shows influence everyday life, consider that in 2011 the Social Security Administration reported that two of the names which have seen the greatest rise in popularity among newborns are Maci and Bentley, the names of one of the featured mothers of 16 and Pregnant and her son.  The show, now in its fourth season, has produced quite an assortment of trash, turning idiots who deserve to be labeled as the bottom-feeders of society into overnight celebrities. Here are just a few examples of the classy folks ...

Recently, ABC announced the names of the Season 14 contestants; a veritable who's who of who-the-hell-cares.  If you're one of the millions of viewers who enjoy watching tap-dancing washed-up hacks, D-listers, and Hollywood cellar-dwellers, then give yourself a pat on the back, because you're responsible for making this monstrosity a hit show...which just goes to prove that Twinkie-munching milkshake-guzzling couch potatoes whose thumbs are too chubby to change the channel on the remote control will watch anything that's on, even if it has the artistic and creative value of a pile of sun-bleached dog crap. If you're the kind of lame-brained slob who wastes life's precious moments glued to the boob tube while wearing a Snuggie, then you probably already know all of the Season 14 Dancing With the Stars contestants.  But if you actually have a life you probably don't know who most of these so-called "stars" are, this article is for you, my friend....

Whether you're a homophobic conservative, a doobie-smoking liberal, or a spineless pantywaist moderate, chances are you probably occasionally tune into CNN, FOX News, or that channel with the helmet-haired loudmouth drag queen who's always looking for missing sluts or lost babies (I'm referring to Nancy Grace, not Keith Olbermann).  Also, chances are at any given time you'll glance at the screen and see: BREAKING NEWS! which will undoubtedly be followed by a description of a news item which is about as interesting as a Tyler Perry movie.  (Spoiler Alert: In his next film, Tyler Perry will play the role of an sassy black grandma!) Normally I view these "breaking stories" as a mild irritation, much like a bout of diarrhea, Fran Drescher's voice, female stand-up comics, jock itch, or Rachel Maddow's snarkiness (what, you're a lesbian and you hate Rush Limbaugh?  No way!) However, after recently flipping through the channels and seeing: BREAKING ...