Skip to main content

How to Deal With Having an Ugly Baby



If you're the parent of an ugly baby, you've probably been asking yourself lots of questions ever since your bouncing bundle of shame came into this world. Questions like, "Is this some sort of punishment from God?", "Should I leave him in a dumpster?" or "How much can an ugly baby fetch on the black market?" These types of questions are perfectly normal. The only thing that's abnormal is being the parent of an ugly baby and acting like you have the cutest, sweetest, or prettiest baby in the world. That, my friend, is mental sickness. 

When my oldest son was born, I was asking the same questions myself. I fell to my knees and raised my arms to the heavens, asking, "What have I done to deserve this?" In the delivery room, I pleaded with the doctor to put him back in because he didn't look quite done yet. When that didn't work, I waited until no one was looking and tried to swap him with a better-looking baby from the hospital's nursery. Unfortunately, in my haste, I had grabbed an Asian baby, but returned him when I realized that the only way I could get away with the baby-swap was if I spent the rest of my life squinting my eyes in order to fool people into thinking I was the father.

Now, I'm sure there are some of you out there who claim to love their children unconditionally. This simply means that you have extremely low standards in life, and you're probably the mother or father of an ugly baby yourself (or a whole litter of them). Hell, if you had higher standards, you probably wouldn't have gotten stuck with an ugly baby in the first place- you would've gotten yourself knocked-up by a better-looking partner. And that's how I learned to take responsibility for my ugly baby. I had simply made the mistake of marrying a woman who looked like a Saint Bernard.




Looking at the above baby, you can see what I mean. Note the sloped head and the camouflage outfit. Obviously, this child wasn't planned. This is what happens if you are a woman whose standards are so low that you're willing to spread your stretch-marked thighs for the first hillbilly at a Toby Keith concert who promises to buy you a Pabst Blue Ribbon.   

Even scientists have concluded that most parents find it very difficult to love a baby who's about as precious as a wad of aluminum foil. In June of 2009, TIME Magazine ran a story entitled "Is an Ugly Baby Harder to Love?" which discussed a study by the Harvard-affiliated McLean Hospital. In the study, 27 volunteers were forced to sit in front of a computer screen and look at babies. By clicking a key, volunteers could either shorten or protract the amount of time which the baby's picture remained on the screen. Surprisingly, the researchers concluded that women were 2.5 times as likely to press the button in order to get rid of the pictures of ugly babies.



What does this suggest? Well, for starters, it proves that women are evil superficial creatures, but that's not the point of my blog post. The point is that even women, despite their "maternal instincts", are biologically programmed to dislike ugly babies. And why not? Let's face it; attractive people get all of the breaks in life.  You never see sexy homeless people, and you'll never find a person standing in line at the welfare office with movie-star looks and a million-dollar smile. But you will find lots of unwashed trailer trash without teeth.  Chances are, an ugly baby will grow up to become an ugly adult, and the only thing an ugly adult is good for is standing next to average-looking people in order to make them appear somewhat attractive.

If you are the parent of an ugly baby, the worst thing you can do is lie to your child. Ugly children deserve to know that they are ugly, because if they know the score from the get-go they won't end up having their confidence shattered later in life, which can turn them into an emotional cripple (and if you think it's alright to cripple someone, then you belong behind bars, you wackjob). Spare them the psychological trauma that comes with the realization of ugliness. Otherwise, your ugly child may grow up to hate you because he or she will feel betrayed and lied to. You wouldn't try to convince your kid that he could fly, would you? Of course not, because the dummy is liable to tie a Batman cape around his scrawny neck and jump off the garage roof. So then why try to convince your kid that he or she is handsome or pretty?

Unfortunately, many parents of ugly children are reluctant to tell their children the truth. This is why you should let all ugly children know that they are ugly-- even if you're not the parent. Trust me, you'll be doing that child a favor!      





  

Comments

  1. Hilarious article and all too true. Bahahaha

    https://boltpayday.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. Invest in Ripple on eToro the World’s #1 Social Trading Network...

    Join millions who have already discovered smarter strategies for investing in Ripple...

    Learn from experienced eToro traders or copy their positions automatically!

    ReplyDelete
  3. im surprised at the amount of effort you put into this and how many people have read it. im concerned to say the least. why read a whole article when the simple solution is to leave your baby with a store owner only to never return. it has worked 4/5 times. the one time it didn't work i just left that thing at walmart in the dairy section, i returned a few days later and it was gone so im guessing someone found her.lad to see some people i can relate to tho :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is so stupid. You don’t deserve kids.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And you don't have a sense of humor. Satire does have some truth in it. Laugh. Might make you less miserable.

      Delete
  5. YOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYYOYYOYO YOUR SO MEAN EVEN YOU HAVE UGLY BABIES CARE THEM RESPECT OR YOU SHALL GET KARMA

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You clearly dont have a sense of humor, this was clearly an article written as a joke.

      Delete
  6. your probs asking me why i went here i went here to prank my sis bruh!!!!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

In defense of high school football

Once again, high school football is under attack by lame-brained, limp-wristed, lily-livered pantywaists who believe that anyone who straps on a jock is taking the first irrevocable step toward an inevitable, premature departure from this mudball called Earth. The latest anti-jock rhetoric comes in the wake of the death of New Jersey high school senior quarterback Evan Murray, a tragedy that followed the deaths of two other high school athletes in recent weeks, Ben Hamm from Oklahoma, and Tyrell Cameron from Louisiana. With three kids gone to meet their maker in as many weeks, it's only natural that over-protective parents throw a hissy hit over the glorious American institution that is high school football. However, this anti-jock fervor is nothing more than contemporary culture's latest attempt to neuter the American male-- a project that has been going on for decades, as part of the left-wing agenda to transform red-blooded American boys into sniveling wimps who would

Why Gas Pumps Are Our Mortal Enemies

How I long for the good old days, when gas pumps were hand-cranked and the fueling process only took about an hour or two.  Granted, those days took place long before most of you were born, but believe me when I say that the process of getting gas took less time than it does today with these computerized high-tech pumps. Here's what I mean.  You pull up to the pump, slide your credit or debit card through, and you are instantly bombarded with questions asked by the pump.  Would you like a receipt?  Yes or No. "No" Do you have a rewards card?  Yes or No. "No", you mutter angrily. Do you want a rewards card?  Yes or no. "No." Would you like a car wash?  Yes or No. "A car wash?" you ask.  "It's pouring down rain, and all I want is five bucks worth of gas." Would you like to try one of our new six-inch subs?  Yes or No. "No!  For Pete's sake, I just want gas!" Please enter your zip code. "Zip code?  What does a