Gus Muldoon's Infamous Seldomly-Updated Blog

If you're the parent of an ugly baby, you've probably been asking yourself lots of questions ever since your bouncing bundle of shame came into this world. Questions like, "Is this some sort of punishment from God?", "Should I leave him in a dumpster?" or "How much can an ugly baby fetch on the black market?" These types of questions are perfectly normal. The only thing that's abnormal is being the parent of an ugly baby and acting like you have the cutest, sweetest, or prettiest baby in the world. That, my friend, is mental sickness.  When my oldest son was born, I was asking the same questions myself. I fell to my knees and raised my arms to the heavens, asking, "What have I done to deserve this?" In the delivery room, I pleaded with the doctor to put him back in because he didn't look quite done yet. When that didn't work, I waited until no one was looking and tried to swap him with a better-looking baby from the hos

Recently, ABC announced the names of the Season 14 contestants; a veritable who's who of who-the-hell-cares.  If you're one of the millions of viewers who enjoy watching tap-dancing washed-up hacks, D-listers, and Hollywood cellar-dwellers, then give yourself a pat on the back, because you're responsible for making this monstrosity a hit show...which just goes to prove that Twinkie-munching milkshake-guzzling couch potatoes whose thumbs are too chubby to change the channel on the remote control will watch anything that's on, even if it has the artistic and creative value of a pile of sun-bleached dog crap. If you're the kind of lame-brained slob who wastes life's precious moments glued to the boob tube while wearing a Snuggie, then you probably already know all of the Season 14 Dancing With the Stars contestants.  But if you actually have a life you probably don't know who most of these so-called "stars" are, this article is for you, my friend.

According to a recent Huffington Post poll, 87% of Americans are either illiterate or are in favor of pimping out their children as prostitutes. What in tarnation am I talking about?  I'm talking about the Huffington Post's recent article lambasting Glenn Grothman's proposed bill in the Wisconsin senate which is intended to stop money-grubbing scumball gutter trollops from cranking out children just for the sake of getting free cash handouts from Uncle Sam.  Senate Bill 507, if passed, would formally consider single parenthood a contributing factor to child abuse, in the same roundabout kind of way that an addiction to video games may be a contributing factor to childhood obesity.  Not surprisingly, this proposed bill has wadded up the crotchless leather panties of every Godless liberal heathen from San Francisco to Greenwich Village. This bill may have gone unnoticed if not for the good folks at the Huffington Post, who can spin facts into left-wing propaganda better

Whether you're a homophobic conservative, a doobie-smoking liberal, or a spineless pantywaist moderate, chances are you probably occasionally tune into CNN, FOX News, or that channel with the helmet-haired loudmouth drag queen who's always looking for missing sluts or lost babies (I'm referring to Nancy Grace, not Keith Olbermann).  Also, chances are at any given time you'll glance at the screen and see: BREAKING NEWS! which will undoubtedly be followed by a description of a news item which is about as interesting as a Tyler Perry movie.  (Spoiler Alert: In his next film, Tyler Perry will play the role of an sassy black grandma!) Normally I view these "breaking stories" as a mild irritation, much like a bout of diarrhea, Fran Drescher's voice, female stand-up comics, jock itch, or Rachel Maddow's snarkiness (what, you're a lesbian and you hate Rush Limbaugh?  No way!) However, after recently flipping through the channels and seeing: BREAKING