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The Only TV Guide You'll Ever Need!


As a service to my faithful readers (both of you), I've decided to invent something I like to call the Perpetual TV Guide.  Any day of the week, any month of the year, simply check these listings and you'll be surprised just how accurate my TV Guide is.  In fact, 65% of research has shown that 95% of my TV Guide is accurate 92% of the time!


Here's what's on:

CSPAN- an old white guy speaking from a podium

CSPAN2- a woman of some minority group speaking from a podium.

ESPN- SportsCenter

ESPN2- a sport which you don't care much about.

ESPN Classic- a college football game from 1998 re-mastered so that it looks vintage and grainy and makes you feel a lot older than you really are.

HALLMARK CHANNEL-  A Hallmark Original Movie about a woman who struggles to rebuild her life while baking gourmet cupcakes, followed by The Golden Girls.

LIFETIME- Twelve straight hours of The Golden Girls, followed by a Lifetime Original Movie about a woman who overcomes personal obstacles by baking gourmet cupcakes.

UNIVISION- a bunch of Latino people speaking in a language you don't understand.

TELEMUNDO- a bunch of Hispanic people speaking in a language you don't understand.

BET- a bunch of black people speaking in a language you don't understand

USA- is this network still on?

FOX NEWS- Democrats suck.

MSNBC- Republicans suck.

CNN- We pretend to be unbiased, but secretly we also think Republicans suck.

HGTV- someone buys a crappy house for cheap, renovates it, and sells it for a profit.

ANIMAL PLANET- something with fur, scales, or feathers.

HISTORY CHANNEL- Reality show about rednecks doing jobs like lumberjacking, gator hunting, crab fishing, or truck driving.  Or Pawn Stars.

DISCOVERY- another reality show about rednecks doing stuff.

MTV- nothing even remotely related to music.

VH-1- also nothing even remotely related to music

BRAVO- some fancy-pantsed fruitcake makes wannabe fashion designers cry.

FOOD NETWORK- somebody's cooking something

WEATHER CHANNEL- right now it's raining somewhere.

AMC- The Shawshank Redemption

SYFY- a group of young attractive men and women with marginal acting skills save a town from some kind of creature.

CMT- something with rednecks in it

EWTN- this lady:


TRAVEL CHANNEL- people in lots of different places.

CARTOON NETWORK- something animated

DISNEY- A cute teenage girl who's in a band, wants to be in a band, or is friends with someone who's in a band.

OUTDOOR- a guy with a goatee in camouflage holding a gun and shooting things.

TV LAND- reruns

COMEDY- Tosh.0

SPIKE- something designed to impress a 15 year old boy.

PBS- Antiques Roadshow


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