Why the Bro Code Must Go

Don't be hatin', bro!

Women do not need to be told that men are fond of doing irritating things, but there are some male behaviors which are so pathetically lame that even many fellow men find them to be annoyingly asinine.  One such behavior is the excessive use of brocabulary.

Fellas, it's time to put the Bro Code to rest.  Yes, we are all aware of your desperate need to hide your homoerotic feelings behind frat-friendly man-lingo (or bronacular, if you prefer), but much like Ted Danson's hairpiece, you're not fooling anyone.

For the uninitiated, let's explore the bro phenomenon.  What is a bro, anyway?  A bro is more than just a buddy or pal.  A bro is someone who will give you the shirt the right off his back...you know, the shirt that says "Free Breathalyzer Test" with an arrow pointing to the groin.  A bro is life-long friend who would give you a shoulder to cry on, but since bros don't cry, that's a moot point.  A bro will be there for you through thick and thin... as long as it doesn't cut into his UFC-watching time.  Because if there's one thing a bro likes, it's watching two sweaty men in shiny shorts grapple with each other.

How to identify a bromo sapien

The sacred doctrine of every bro is, of course, the Bro Code.  Since real men are born with an ingrained sense of masculinity, it stands to reason that the only ones who need to learn how to act like a man are men who are not really men at all.  Do you honestly think that John Wayne needed an instruction manual to be a man?  Or General Patton?  Or Gus Muldoon?  Of course not.

The Bro Code is less a code of ethics than it is a handbook for organized stupidity.  At it's core, the Bro Code is essentially a permit to act like a hormone-crazed knuckle-dragging fist-bumping idiot, as long as you are acting like a hormone-crazed knuckle-dragging fist-bumping idiot in the presence of other hormone-crazed knuckle-dragging fist-bumping idiots.  Acting like a hormone-crazed knuckle-dragging fist-bumping idiot by yourself is a clear violation of the Bro Code.  In fact, that type of maverick behavior is likely to cause your bro to break up with you, thus ending your bromance.

If you're still not convinced that being a bro is unmanly, here's something to think about, Hans Brolo.  Look at the biggest bro-fender in pop culture.  Many people credit Barney Stinson, the womanizing character portrayed by Neil Patrick Harris on How I Met Your Mother, for bringing the Bro Code to the mainstream.  Neil Patrick Harris, of course, is about as straight as a mattress coil.  Enough said.

A bro's head gets cold, bro.  Even inside of his man cave.

This revelation may be disheartening news for the typical bro, who might feel the need to go sulk in his man cave.  The man cave, after all, is the private lair of the bromo sapien.  In my day, a man cave was what we called the space between your mother's thighs.  Nowadays, the term is used to describe a woman-free sanctuary where men can spend time alone playing X-box while planning their next man-date.  While some may consider the man cave as the "last frontier of unhindered masculinity", I'm more inclined to believe that any space where women are not allowed has more in common with a Turkish bath, or some other place where a true man does not want to be.  Why?  Because real men like being around women.  Bros, on the other hand, prefer the company of other bros.  If this weren't true, the saying "bros before hos" would not exist.

Take it from me, Brohammed Ali.  A real man doesn't need a man cave because, well, that's what his whole house if for.  Except for the kitchen, of course.