Skip to main content

Gus Muldoon's American Heroes



Today I'd like to shine the spotlight on a person who I feel truly deserves a good ol' pat on the back from Gus Muldoon.  Her name is Debra Johnson, a 43 year old North Carolina woman who is currently facing two felony charges for striking a blow against corporate greed.

On Saturday, Johnson stuck it to the stuffed shirt bigwigs in the soft drink cabal by setting a soda machine on fire after the machine refused to dispense a soda or give her a refund.  Finally!  A real-life hero we can all relate to.  While Ms. Johnson faces two felony counts for her actions, in my eyes she is nothing less than a modern-day Robin Hood.

We've all been there before, and can identify with Debra Johnson's frustrations.  We've all popped quarters and dimes into vending machines, only to have our hard-earned money stolen by the snack and soft drink fat cats.  We've all had a wrinkly dollar bill rejected repeatedly, like a fat kid looking for a prom date.  And how many times have we stood and watched in heartbreak as the bag of Sun Chips which we have paid for dangles mockingly, like the flaccid penis of a flasher on the subway?

I don't know how many people there are in America, but I'm guessing it's a lot.  And we've all been robbed by vending machines at some point, resulting on millions of dollars of unearned, undeserved profit for the rich weenies from Coca-Cola and Pepsico.  It's bad enough that these vermin are turning our poor children into bloated diabetic slobs with their sugary swill, but I say we should follow Debra Johnson's lead and no longer allow these corporate fat cats to deprive us of our nickels and dimes and quarters in the process.

Unfortunately, Ms. Johnson will probably get sent to jail because of her actions (she is black, after all), and that's sadder than watching a neutered puppy trying to hump a sofa cushion.  But I hope that one day, Debra Johnson's actions will inspire us to throw off the shackles of snack food and soft drink oppression and stand up for justice, causing us to take up arms and shout, "We're mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore!  Now give me back my fifty cents, you bastard!"  And if the greedy corporate pigs refuse to comply, may every vending machine in the land be set ablaze, burning like my urine stream after that night of unprotected sex with a Filipino hooker.             
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

How to Deal With Having an Ugly Baby

If you're the parent of an ugly baby, you've probably been asking yourself lots of questions ever since your bouncing bundle of shame came into this world. Questions like, "Is this some sort of punishment from God?", "Should I leave him in a dumpster?" or "How much can an ugly baby fetch on the black market?" These types of questions are perfectly normal. The only thing that's abnormal is being the parent of an ugly baby and acting like you have the cutest, sweetest, or prettiest baby in the world. That, my friend, is mental sickness.  When my oldest son was born, I was asking the same questions myself. I fell to my knees and raised my arms to the heavens, asking, "What have I done to deserve this?" In the delivery room, I pleaded with the doctor to put him back in because he didn't look quite done yet. When that didn't work, I waited until no one was looking and tried to swap him with a better-looking baby from the hos
8 comments
Read more

GOP candidates as classic Twilight Zone characters!

Anyone who has been following Republican politics this year will tell you that, at times, the race has looked more like The Twilight Zone than actual politics. Here's what the current crop of presidential hopefuls would look like if they were characters from Rod Serling's classic series.
2 comments
Read more

In defense of high school football

Once again, high school football is under attack by lame-brained, limp-wristed, lily-livered pantywaists who believe that anyone who straps on a jock is taking the first irrevocable step toward an inevitable, premature departure from this mudball called Earth. The latest anti-jock rhetoric comes in the wake of the death of New Jersey high school senior quarterback Evan Murray, a tragedy that followed the deaths of two other high school athletes in recent weeks, Ben Hamm from Oklahoma, and Tyrell Cameron from Louisiana. With three kids gone to meet their maker in as many weeks, it's only natural that over-protective parents throw a hissy hit over the glorious American institution that is high school football. However, this anti-jock fervor is nothing more than contemporary culture's latest attempt to neuter the American male-- a project that has been going on for decades, as part of the left-wing agenda to transform red-blooded American boys into sniveling wimps who would
1 comment
Read more