Gus Muldoon's American Heroes

Today I'd like to shine the spotlight on a person who I feel truly deserves a good ol' pat on the back from Gus Muldoon. Her name is Debra Johnson, a 43 year old North Carolina woman who is currently facing two felony charges for striking a blow against corporate greed.

On Saturday, Johnson stuck it to the stuffed shirt bigwigs in the soft drink cabal by setting a soda machine on fire after the machine refused to dispense a soda or give her a refund. Finally! A real-life hero we can all relate to. While Ms. Johnson faces two felony counts for her actions, in my eyes she is nothing less than a modern-day Robin Hood.

We've all been there before, and can identify with Debra Johnson's frustrations. We've all popped quarters and dimes into vending machines, only to have our hard-earned money stolen by the snack and soft drink fat cats. We've all had a wrinkly dollar bill rejected repeatedly, like a fat kid looking for a prom date. And how many times have we stood and watched in heartbreak as the bag of Sun Chips which we have paid for dangles mockingly, like the flaccid penis of a flasher on the subway?

I don't know how many people there are in America, but I'm guessing it's a lot. And we've all been robbed by vending machines at some point, resulting on millions of dollars of unearned, undeserved profit for the rich weenies from Coca-Cola and Pepsico. It's bad enough that these vermin are turning our poor children into bloated diabetic slobs with their sugary swill, but I say we should follow Debra Johnson's lead and no longer allow these corporate fat cats to deprive us of our nickels and dimes and quarters in the process.

Unfortunately, Ms. Johnson will probably get sent to jail because of her actions (she is black, after all), and that's sadder than watching a neutered puppy trying to hump a sofa cushion. But I hope that one day, Debra Johnson's actions will inspire us to throw off the shackles of snack food and soft drink oppression and stand up for justice, causing us to take up arms and shout, "We're mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore! Now give me back my fifty cents, you bastard!" And if the greedy corporate pigs refuse to comply, may every vending machine in the land be set ablaze, burning like my urine stream after that night of unprotected sex with a Filipino hooker.

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