December 2012 in Review


"I want my guns!"


"And I want to live to see my seventh birthday, douchebag."


"We need our guns to defend our precious property! Sorry, kid."


"We wouldn't have this problem if we allowed Jesus in the classroom."

"We're on it!"


"Oy vey! Maybe I should just destroy the world and start over."

"Told you so!"

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How to Deal With Having an Ugly Baby

If you're the parent of an ugly baby, you've probably been asking yourself lots of questions ever since your bouncing bundle of shame came into this world. Questions like, "Is this some sort of punishment from God?", "Should I leave him in a dumpster?" or "How much can an ugly baby fetch on the black market?" These types of questions are perfectly normal. The only thing that's abnormal is being the parent of an ugly baby and acting like you have the cutest, sweetest, or prettiest baby in the world. That, my friend, is mental sickness. When my oldest son was born, I was asking the same questions myself. I fell to my knees and raised my arms to the heavens, asking, "What have I done to deserve this?" In the delivery room, I pleaded with the doctor to put him back in because he didn't look quite done yet. When that didn't work, I waited until no one was looking and tried to swap him with a better-looking baby from the hos...

Gus Muldoon's Month in Stupidity, Volume 2

June has been like a vine ripe with idiots, and stupidity was so rampant this month that I had to devote not one, but two columns to the topic. Last week I profiled five mental midgets who should've been wiped out by natural selection long ago, and this week I'll shine the spotlight on five more. So without further ado, I give you Gus Muldoon's Month in Stupidity, Volume 2. 1. Oliver Stone is a limp-wristed lily-livered sack of squirrel scrotums This week, filmmaker Oliver Stone appeared on CBS This Morning in order to promote his new film, and in the process confessed that he was a doobie-smoking Commie. While extolling the virtues of being a pot-head, Stone reminisced about his days fighting in Vietnam, stating: “[Using marijuana] made the difference between staying human or, as Michael Douglas said, becoming a beast. I’m telling you, it’s rough and a lot of people in that platoon used it, not on the front line but in the back, to stay in touch with themse...

Why Gas Pumps Are Our Mortal Enemies

How I long for the good old days, when gas pumps were hand-cranked and the fueling process only took about an hour or two. Granted, those days took place long before most of you were born, but believe me when I say that the process of getting gas took less time than it does today with these computerized high-tech pumps. Here's what I mean. You pull up to the pump, slide your credit or debit card through, and you are instantly bombarded with questions asked by the pump. Would you like a receipt? Yes or No. "No" Do you have a rewards card? Yes or No. "No", you mutter angrily. Do you want a rewards card? Yes or no. "No." Would you like a car wash? Yes or No. "A car wash?" you ask. "It's pouring down rain, and all I want is five bucks worth of gas." Would you like to try one of our new six-inch subs? Yes or No. "No! For Pete's sake, I just want gas!" Please enter your zip code. "Zip code? What does a...

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