Skip to main content

If Tim Tebow's a Prophet, then my BMW is the Antichrist



For God so loved the world that in Denver's playoff win over Pittsburgh, He made Tim Tebow rack up 316 passing yards. A truly miraculous stat, since Tebow has become the official poster child for religious kooks. Tebow's cult-like following has given rise to a whole new cottage industry: analyzing the offensive stats of mediocre quarterbacks. Forget about trying to crack the Bible Code (that's so 2011). The truly enlightened know where to go for prophetic revelations of Biblical proportions, and that place is the sports page.

Now, for all of you godless liberal heathens who think the only thing the pages of the Bible are good for is rolling a big fat doobie, let me explain the hubbub about 3:16. It's the famous passage from the book of John which states, "For God so loved the world that he gave us football of Sundays," or something to that extent. That's why you commonly see a John 3:16 sign being held up in the stadium bleachers by a half-naked redneck in a rainbow-colored wig. The same types of people who claim to see the likeness of the Virgin Mary on a piece of French toast are now insisting that Tebow's 316 yards is some kind of omen.

If this is some kind of sign from above, we should all be racing to our Bibles to see what other messages the Good Lord is trying to convey to us through the NFL. Let's look at the offensive statistics of other quarterbacks and see what the Bible has to say.

Drew Brees threw for 366 yards in the Saints' playoff victory over the Lions. According to Jeremiah 36:6, "You go, therefore, and read from the scroll which you have written at my instruction." Well, that's an encouraging sign! The passage refers to God telling Jeremiah to write a scroll, which is the Book of Jeremiah, which is what I'm looking at right now. My interpretation is that God is telling me to proceed. I must be on to something.

T.J. Yates tallied 159 yards, leading the Houston Texans to their first ever playoff victory. Since it took the Texans a decade to accomplish such a feat, the Bible surely must have something profound to say. This could refer to 1 Kings 15:9, "In the twentieth year of Jeroboam, Asa became king over Judah," or perhaps Joshua 15:9, "Then the border went around from the top of the hill to the fountain of Nephtoa", or possibly Numbers 15:9, which talks about bulls and grain and three-tenths of an ephah, whatever the hell that means. And there's Leviticus 15:9, which appears to be describing the sinfulness of male bodily discharge. Interesting reading, but hardly prophetic.

Eli Manning racked up 277 yards as his Giants routed the Falcons. Psalm 27:7 states, "Hear, Oh Lord, when I cry with my voice!" Giants fans are no strangers to crying, but since they handily won the NFC Wild Card game, this passage makes no sense. Ezekiel 27:7 talks about fine embroidered linen from Egypt. Matthew 27:7, "and they consulted together and bought with them the potter's field" doesn't seem very relevant, nor does Exodus 27:7 (the poles shall be put in the rings) or Genesis 27:7 (bring me game and make savory food for me). However, I often do instruct my wife to bring me food while I'm watching a game. Does that count?

Hate to burst your bubble, religious zealots, but Tebow's 316 yards is just a number. There is nothing magical or mystical about it. It's simply a coincidence.

Last week I pulled into a gas station and topped off the tank. How much did it take to fill up? $6.66. That's right, folks, the mythical Number of the Beast, the baddest number imaginable. Surely, the Lord must be sending me a message through a Sunoco gas pump! After all, my car is a BMW, a company which made aircraft for the Nazis during WWII. If Tebow is a prophet, does that make my car the Antichrist?
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

How to Deal With Having an Ugly Baby

If you're the parent of an ugly baby, you've probably been asking yourself lots of questions ever since your bouncing bundle of shame came into this world. Questions like, "Is this some sort of punishment from God?", "Should I leave him in a dumpster?" or "How much can an ugly baby fetch on the black market?" These types of questions are perfectly normal. The only thing that's abnormal is being the parent of an ugly baby and acting like you have the cutest, sweetest, or prettiest baby in the world. That, my friend, is mental sickness.  When my oldest son was born, I was asking the same questions myself. I fell to my knees and raised my arms to the heavens, asking, "What have I done to deserve this?" In the delivery room, I pleaded with the doctor to put him back in because he didn't look quite done yet. When that didn't work, I waited until no one was looking and tried to swap him with a better-looking baby from the hos...
8 comments
Read more

Why Gas Pumps Are Our Mortal Enemies

How I long for the good old days, when gas pumps were hand-cranked and the fueling process only took about an hour or two.  Granted, those days took place long before most of you were born, but believe me when I say that the process of getting gas took less time than it does today with these computerized high-tech pumps. Here's what I mean.  You pull up to the pump, slide your credit or debit card through, and you are instantly bombarded with questions asked by the pump.  Would you like a receipt?  Yes or No. "No" Do you have a rewards card?  Yes or No. "No", you mutter angrily. Do you want a rewards card?  Yes or no. "No." Would you like a car wash?  Yes or No. "A car wash?" you ask.  "It's pouring down rain, and all I want is five bucks worth of gas." Would you like to try one of our new six-inch subs?  Yes or No. "No!  For Pete's sake, I just want gas!" Please enter your zip code. "Zip code?  What does a...
Post a Comment
Read more

Honor Your Dead Aunt With A Butterfly On Your Butt Crack

Dear Gus, Last year my favorite aunt died after a long battle with breast cancer.  She was like a mother to me, and I miss her very much.  I am considering getting a tattoo as a tribute.  Since dolphins were her favorite animals I'm considering maybe a dolphin on my ankle.  What do you think? If I was your aunt I'd be rolling over in my grave. There are many ways you can make your aunt proud, like becoming successful in your career or devoting your time to helping others (just like what I do). Permanently disfiguring your body with a tacky drawing of a fish on your stinky foot ain't going to make her proud. If anything, it will probably piss her off from beyond the grave.  I'll never understand why so many young people think that tattoos are so great. Back in the late 90s my nineteen year-old son come home with a tattoo, some God-awful tribal design on his arm. I told him that if he wanted to pretend he was a jungle-bunny from New Guinea then I was goin...
Post a Comment
Read more