Once again it's the eve of another presidential election, and while millions of Americans will cast their votes for Romney or Obama tomorrow, millions of Americans, unimpressed by either candidate, will remain as unmotivated as a tree sloth on trazodone. Some folks might even be contemplating throwing their vote away altogether by voting for a third party candidate.
Of course, it's beyond me why anyone would vote for a third party candidate in a presidential election. To me, nothing sounds more pointless than waking up early in the morning and standing in line for hours in order to cast a vote for a person who has about as much of a chance of being elected to the presidency as the mentally-impaired person who wrangles shopping carts in the Walmart parking lot.
However, if you're contemplating exercising your constitutional right to be a moron by voting for a third party candidate, I've made life easier for you (and let's face it, if you're going to support a third party candidate you probably need all the help you can get) by compiling this handy dandy guide to the 2012 third party presidential wannabes.
1. Virgil Goode (Constitution Party)
The Constitution Party's candidate is Virgil Goode, a former congressman who seems to be quite confused about his identity. Goode was a Republican from 2002 to 2010, an Independent from 2000 to 2002, and a Democrat until 2000. He's been re-incarnated more times than the Dalai Lama!
Personally, this congressional chameleon seems to be about as reliable as an automobile manufactured in Uganda, and as popular as Mormon missionary at an orgy. According to his Wikipedia entry, Goode is endorsed by the following heavy-hitters:
Jay Anderson, former mayor of Columbia, Virginia.
Steven Andrew, a pastor
Daniel Cassidy, a former Republican staffer
It's interesting to note that the population of Columbia, Virginia is a whopping 49... which is about 40 more people than who will vote for Virgil Goode on Tuesday.
2. Rocky Anderson (Justice Party)
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| Looks like a picture of a defendant on a witness stand. Oh wait, it is. |
No, the Justice Party isn't the name of a comic book, it's an actual political party. Rocky Anderson is the party's 2012 presidential candidate. A former mayor of Salt Lake City, Anderson is best-known as being the mayor of Salt Lake City.
As mayor, he made the papers in 2005 when he used $633.74 in public funds to purchase food and alcohol on two occasions for musicians who performed at a Salt Lake City jazz festival. Later that year, Anderson was once again accused of misusing taxpayer money, this time for a trip to Italy.
But, in Rocky's defense, we all know that in order to be an effective mayor of a Utah city, you have establish strong ties to European nations. Just kidding. This guy is as crooked as Bill Clinton's ding-dong.
3. Jill Stein (Green Party)
Stein is a physician from Massachusetts who has never held an important political office in her life. She ran for governor of Massachusetts twice, getting beaten both times like a skinhead at a Black Panther rally.
After losing the gubernatorial race, Stein set her sights a little lower by running for the House of Representatives in 2004, once again getting spanked like the hiney of a porn actor in a low-budget BDSM film.
Stein finally managed to win an election in 2005, rising to the prestigious position of Town Meeting Seat in Lexington, Massachusetts. Now, before you think this qualifies one to be President of the United States, bear in mind that she was running for one of 7 available seats in a field of 16 candidates. During this election, Stein tallied a whopping 539 votes, which, in some high schools, wouldn't even get you elected as Prom Queen.
As a 2012 presidential candidate, Ms. Stein is endorsed by her garbageman, Lou, and the shampoo girl at the local Supercuts.
4. Gary Johnson (Libertarian Party)
Johnson is a former Republican governor of New Mexico who became a third-party frontrunner during the 2012 third-party debates, held at the Denny's in Paramus, NJ, and broadcast live on the radio station W-who-gives-a-****.
On April 21, 2011, Johnson announced his candidacy via Twitter, stating "I am running for president." All six of his Twitter followers thought it was a wonderful idea. Unfortunately for Johnson, then a Republican, he was eying the 2012 GOP presidential nomination. However, he finished a distant 12th in the New Hampshire Republican primary, getting 0.07% of the vote.
How pathetic was Johnson's performance? Well, to put it in perspective, he was beaten in the New Hampshire primary by a veritable Who's Who of who-the-hell-is-that such as Kevin Rubash and Buddy Roemer. He received roughly half as many votes as gay rights activist Fred Karger. Let me say this- when a GAY RIGHTS activist whoops your behind in a REPUBLICAN primary, you might want to reconsider your career in politics.
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