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Nobody Gives a Crap About Your Baby



I'll admit it- I hate babies.  But if there's anything I hate more than babies, it's expectant mothers who assume that everyone else on Earth is as enamored with each disgusting pregnancy development as they are themselves.  Thanks to the wonders of technology, a new app called BabyBump allows obnoxious, self-absorbed mommies-to-be an opportunity to annoy the hell out of their Facebook friends with daily posts about the parasitic hellspawns growing inside their tummies.  And let's face it, you have to be pretty darn self-absorbed to think that anyone other than yourself gives a rat's fart in the wind about what's taking place inside your bloated body 173 days into your pregnancy.

According to the BabyBump website, the app is a "pregnancy tracker and social health network for expecting families", providing expecting mothers with a "schematic embryo picture of your baby each week" as well as a bunch of useless junk only a woman would care about, including a journal for tracking daily mood swings and waist measurements.  The app even tells you what food cravings you'll be expecting from week to week.


However, the truly astounding thing about this app is that it gives preggos the ability to share all this useless information via Facebook, turning uninterested Facebook users' timelines into play-by-play sports announcers who bore viewers senseless with obscure and irrelevant statistics about the batter in the on-deck circle ("As you may know, Joe is batting .234 against left-handed pitchers who attended a middle school named after a Republican president.")

Case in point.  This morning I logged into Facebook and see this on my timeline, posted from the cellphone of a woman I'll call Jill:

I am recording my baby's kicks with BabyBump! My baby has kicked 3 times since 9:24am!
A few hours later, I see:

I am recording my baby's kicks with BabyBump! My baby has kicked 5 times since 9:24am!

And, a couple hours later, I saw:

 I am recording my baby's kicks with BabyBump! My baby has kicked 8 times since 9:24am!


This update was immediately followed by another post featuring a "schematic embryo picture", like the colorful medical drawings on the wall of a doctor's office, with a headline reading: Check out what's happening on day 200 of my pregnancy!


Sweet sassy molassey!  I counted, and in one day this obnoxious and self-obsessed babymaker whom I'll continue to call Jill used this app to vandalize my Facebook timeline with 34 BabyBump-generated posts intended to update the world on her pregnancy, as if she were carrying around the underdeveloped fetus of Jesus inside her stretchmarked belly (although I'm pretty sure Jill's pregnancy was the unplanned result of three minutes of sloppy sex in the backseat of a Toyota).

Fed up with this nonsense, I sent Jill a message on Facebook giving her a piece of my mind, and received the following response:

"But Grandpa, I thought you'd be interested in my pregnancy, since you'll soon be a great-grandfather!"

My initial response was to inform my granddaughter that I wasn't even interested in my regular grandchildren, and only moderately interested in my own children, and that I'm looking forward to great-grandchildren the same way I'm looking forward to my next colonoscopy.  And then I thought of a great way to get it through Jill's thick head that the rest of us find her pregnancy as interesting as watching two garden slugs race each other.  I posted on her Facebook wall:

I am recording my bowel movements with CrapTracker!  I haven't had a bowel movement since Tuesday morning!

And three hours later, I posted:

I am recording my bowel movements with CrapTracker!  I still haven't had a bowel movement since Tuesday morning!
And, a few minutes ago, I posted:

I am recording my bowel movements with CrapTracker!  I STILL haven't had a bowel movement since Tuesday morning!

Let's hope that Jill, and all of you other breeders out there, get the hint that no one gives a crap about your daily pregnancy updates.  Otherwise, I'll have no choice but to take pictures on the blessed day when I'm able to evacuate my bowels and post pictures of my own special delivery all over your Facebook wall.


  
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